They say that if you place a frog in a pot of water from its own pond and slowly raise the heat to boiling the frog will stay there, unaware of the subtle increases in temperature until it finally boils to death. However, if you were to place the same frog into a pot of boiling water it would jump right out, scalded but still alive.
I've been thinking a lot about frogs and boiling water lately, and I think that people are the same way. You see, if something big happens in life we take notice, we take action. In other words, we jump out of the pot! The thing is, life isn't just a handful of major events worthy of our attention. Life is made up of all the tiny changes that we don't notice until one day we realize we've boiled to death. I guess that sounds a lot worse than I mean it to. What I mean is, most of life just passes by until the final bit falls into place and we notice that things aren't as we thought they were. Maybe you'll realize you've finally arrived (I suppose we're all sort of waiting for that kind of realization) or perhaps you'll realize that things have kind of deteriorated. In either situation, by the time you take notice, things have already played out. You've lost the ability to change the course of events. You can't get out of the pot.
The great thing about being a person rather than a frog is that there is more than one chance at this whole pot of water business. If we fail to pay attention the first time and end up boiled, we get another chance. We can watch for the bubbles forming at the bottom of the pot signaling that that things are not what they seem.
I've always heard that your whole life can change in an instant. I think a footnote should be added to that saying only one word, rarely. A much truer statement is this: life changes every instant. Life changes as a result of the little things we do every single day. I'm not saying that the big things don't happen. We can come across pots of boiling water, but when those come we're built to react. Far more often we face the pot of familiar water just waiting to to turn up the heat. The lesson to take away from frogs is to be wary of getting too comfortable. Things are almost never as secure as they seem.
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
Friday, June 4, 2010
letting go
This post is about letting go. I know good writers don't start like that, but when something is sitting as heavily on your mind as this is on mine, you just have to get it out there from the start. I've been thinking a lot about the whole concept of letting go for quite a while now. Today it decided to walk up and punch me in the face. So here I am.
In the course of life there are many things that must be left behind. Sometimes they're people, sometimes places, sometimes ideas. No matter what it is that must be left, it can always be hard to let it go. Some things, I think, we're happy to say goodbye to. Other things though, are much harder to get on without.
As for me, I find myself living the strangest sort of life. I'm caught somewhere between an entire philosophy of living that I think I'm ready to leave and the person that I'm hoping to become. At the same time, I'm stuck between the person I thought was the love of my life and the whole wide world of possibilities. As I've spent most of the last year struggling with these issues I've realized a few things that I'd like to share now.
The first thing is probably the most important. You can't move on if you're standing still. What I mean by that is that you can't possibly let go of something and move forward in your life if you never change anything. They say the definition of insanity is doing the same thing and expecting different results. If that is true, I'm most assuredly insane. I think most of us are in some aspect of life. I've realized lately that I really need to get out of my current atmosphere to have the kind of personal growth I am looking for. While I can't just up and move away yet (emphasis on the yet), I'm looking for ways to change things that I can. The only way to get different results is to do different things. It doesn't necessarily mean your whole life has to change, but it might.
Second, I've realized that my own happiness is more important than other people's happiness. That sounds really terrible and selfish. I guess it sort of is, but I think selfishness has an unnecessarily bad reputation. Sometimes you just have to look out for number one. When you're trying to let go and move forward, you have to do what is best for you. Sometimes what is best for you will be hard for someone else. That is just a price you have to pay.
Third, everyone responds to difficulties in their life differently. I know this seems obvious, but it can be hard to accept sometimes. Maybe it takes you longer than you thought to get over an ex and they're already seeing someone new. Maybe they're over it, maybe this is how they get over it. Either way, it isn't fair to judge other peoples' coping mechanisms. Likewise, it isn't fair to expect that other people feel the same way you do about a situation. It isn't fair to you or to them. I would also like to point out that it does absolutely no good to take personally the way another person chooses to deal with a situation. It probably has nothing to do with you.
Last, I'd like to put out a caution. When making an effort to move on, beware the perils of the selective memory. I recently went through a phase in which I was really into the Lady Antebellum song Need You Now. I felt as though it expressed exactly how I felt. The song came on while I was in the car with someone close to me and I said it was the story of my life. She listened, then reminded me that things were never perfect in my relationship. I had conveniently forgotten.
It is easy when you miss someone or something to only remember the good things. The truth is, nothing is perfect and you can't ignore all of the ways things weren't perfect for you. It only makes letting go that much harder. When you only remember the good, you trick yourself into believing that life would be wonderful now if you had whatever it is back. The truth is, no one person or place or job or whatever will ever make your whole life wonderful. There is nothing wrong with remembering the good times, but it only hurts in the end to forget the bad.
It's hard to let go. Really hard. The thing is, I know I've done a lot to sabotage my own progress and I'm sure we're all guilty of it sometimes. I've also learned a lot and for that I can only be grateful. In Paulo Coelho's book The Alchemist it says that when you really want something all the universe conspires to help you get it. However, its no secret that the help you receive isn't always the help you thought you'd want. Sometimes the way you're led to getting what you really want is rocky and hard, but all of that is important. All of that prepares you for whatever is coming next. I believe all of that to be true in life beyond the pages of that book, and so it is with this whole process of letting go and moving on. It is terribly hard, and sometimes you take one step forward and two steps back. In the end though, you come out better for all you've learned and you're more ready for what life will bring next. At least that's what I'm hoping for.
In the course of life there are many things that must be left behind. Sometimes they're people, sometimes places, sometimes ideas. No matter what it is that must be left, it can always be hard to let it go. Some things, I think, we're happy to say goodbye to. Other things though, are much harder to get on without.
As for me, I find myself living the strangest sort of life. I'm caught somewhere between an entire philosophy of living that I think I'm ready to leave and the person that I'm hoping to become. At the same time, I'm stuck between the person I thought was the love of my life and the whole wide world of possibilities. As I've spent most of the last year struggling with these issues I've realized a few things that I'd like to share now.
The first thing is probably the most important. You can't move on if you're standing still. What I mean by that is that you can't possibly let go of something and move forward in your life if you never change anything. They say the definition of insanity is doing the same thing and expecting different results. If that is true, I'm most assuredly insane. I think most of us are in some aspect of life. I've realized lately that I really need to get out of my current atmosphere to have the kind of personal growth I am looking for. While I can't just up and move away yet (emphasis on the yet), I'm looking for ways to change things that I can. The only way to get different results is to do different things. It doesn't necessarily mean your whole life has to change, but it might.
Second, I've realized that my own happiness is more important than other people's happiness. That sounds really terrible and selfish. I guess it sort of is, but I think selfishness has an unnecessarily bad reputation. Sometimes you just have to look out for number one. When you're trying to let go and move forward, you have to do what is best for you. Sometimes what is best for you will be hard for someone else. That is just a price you have to pay.
Third, everyone responds to difficulties in their life differently. I know this seems obvious, but it can be hard to accept sometimes. Maybe it takes you longer than you thought to get over an ex and they're already seeing someone new. Maybe they're over it, maybe this is how they get over it. Either way, it isn't fair to judge other peoples' coping mechanisms. Likewise, it isn't fair to expect that other people feel the same way you do about a situation. It isn't fair to you or to them. I would also like to point out that it does absolutely no good to take personally the way another person chooses to deal with a situation. It probably has nothing to do with you.
Last, I'd like to put out a caution. When making an effort to move on, beware the perils of the selective memory. I recently went through a phase in which I was really into the Lady Antebellum song Need You Now. I felt as though it expressed exactly how I felt. The song came on while I was in the car with someone close to me and I said it was the story of my life. She listened, then reminded me that things were never perfect in my relationship. I had conveniently forgotten.
It is easy when you miss someone or something to only remember the good things. The truth is, nothing is perfect and you can't ignore all of the ways things weren't perfect for you. It only makes letting go that much harder. When you only remember the good, you trick yourself into believing that life would be wonderful now if you had whatever it is back. The truth is, no one person or place or job or whatever will ever make your whole life wonderful. There is nothing wrong with remembering the good times, but it only hurts in the end to forget the bad.
It's hard to let go. Really hard. The thing is, I know I've done a lot to sabotage my own progress and I'm sure we're all guilty of it sometimes. I've also learned a lot and for that I can only be grateful. In Paulo Coelho's book The Alchemist it says that when you really want something all the universe conspires to help you get it. However, its no secret that the help you receive isn't always the help you thought you'd want. Sometimes the way you're led to getting what you really want is rocky and hard, but all of that is important. All of that prepares you for whatever is coming next. I believe all of that to be true in life beyond the pages of that book, and so it is with this whole process of letting go and moving on. It is terribly hard, and sometimes you take one step forward and two steps back. In the end though, you come out better for all you've learned and you're more ready for what life will bring next. At least that's what I'm hoping for.
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
labels are for clothes, not people
I really really love Glee. I'm not the type of person to wait all week for a show and adjust my schedule to watch it, but this is something different. I feel like I have to see it. I guess my love of Glee isn't terribly important to what I really want to say today, but it was last night's episode that made me decide to write about this.
Ok, so last night on Glee Kurt was upset because he thought he was losing his relationship with his dad because he's gay. He tells this to Sue and she asks him if he has ever even kissed a boy or a girl. Kurt says no. Sue tells him that the problem with his generation is that they're obsessed with labels. She basically tells him that maybe he doesn't really know yet and shouldn't just take on a label because it seems to make sense. Well, if you want to know what happened, watch the episode.
As I watched this exchange take place, I sort of laughed to myself because it is something I've been thinking about a lot. I think that young people are generally obsessed with labels, but that most people grow out of that. I do however, think that there is an area where the general public continues this obsession with labels. That area is sexuality. For some reason people want to see everyone as either straight or gay with very little wiggle room.
Here's the thing. I don't think that sexuality is as simple as all that. Sure, some people are only ever attracted to one sex or another. I think though that a lot of people deviate from that. I mean, how many girls do I know who have made out with other girls but still consider themselves straight? Or what about the gay men I know who have slept with several women? If sexual orientation was as simple as we make it out to be, would these situations arise? I say no.
I guess what I'm saying here is that the labels are kind of a sham. I mean, they don't actually mean anything. At the end of the day, aren't we all just looking for someone to be happy with? One of the most influential people in my life happens to be one someone who kind of breaks the rules when it comes to labels. The way she describes it is that it was never about whether someone was male or female. It was really only ever about the person. Label that!
So what if people don't fit into one category or another. So what if it's you that can't quite figure out which camp you belong in. Sure, labels seem convenient, but they really aren't helpful. It is far too easy to get caught up in a label and lose your true identity.
Ok, so last night on Glee Kurt was upset because he thought he was losing his relationship with his dad because he's gay. He tells this to Sue and she asks him if he has ever even kissed a boy or a girl. Kurt says no. Sue tells him that the problem with his generation is that they're obsessed with labels. She basically tells him that maybe he doesn't really know yet and shouldn't just take on a label because it seems to make sense. Well, if you want to know what happened, watch the episode.
As I watched this exchange take place, I sort of laughed to myself because it is something I've been thinking about a lot. I think that young people are generally obsessed with labels, but that most people grow out of that. I do however, think that there is an area where the general public continues this obsession with labels. That area is sexuality. For some reason people want to see everyone as either straight or gay with very little wiggle room.
Here's the thing. I don't think that sexuality is as simple as all that. Sure, some people are only ever attracted to one sex or another. I think though that a lot of people deviate from that. I mean, how many girls do I know who have made out with other girls but still consider themselves straight? Or what about the gay men I know who have slept with several women? If sexual orientation was as simple as we make it out to be, would these situations arise? I say no.
I guess what I'm saying here is that the labels are kind of a sham. I mean, they don't actually mean anything. At the end of the day, aren't we all just looking for someone to be happy with? One of the most influential people in my life happens to be one someone who kind of breaks the rules when it comes to labels. The way she describes it is that it was never about whether someone was male or female. It was really only ever about the person. Label that!
So what if people don't fit into one category or another. So what if it's you that can't quite figure out which camp you belong in. Sure, labels seem convenient, but they really aren't helpful. It is far too easy to get caught up in a label and lose your true identity.
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
lose the training wheels
I've noticed that sometimes it is just impossible to really express to someone else what you think or feel. That's ok I guess because at least we know... don't we?
I've been thinking a lot about being honest with myself. It seems like it would be hard to avoid full disclosure with yourself. When I write it, it almost seems ridiculous. The thing is, there is a huge difference between knowing everything that we do or say and knowing how it makes us feel or why we do or say it.
When I first started thinking about writing this, I wanted to talk about how important it is to be honest with yourself. The more I thought about it though, the more I realized the difficulty of it. Don't get me wrong, I think it is vital. I think though that before I can go on and on about being true to yourself and all of that, I need to address what that actually means.
I guess what I've learned over the last few years is that we train ourselves to think and act in certain ways. To some extent we have to do that, I get that. But, sometimes all that training gets in the way of fully experiencing things. If we only have our prefabricated responses we never actually stop to think about anything. We never question anything. We never develop opinions of anything. And often, we ignore any signs that there might be something going on within ourselves that would go beyond the training.
I see this kind of living sort of like riding a bike with training wheels. It is still fun, but you're never really one of the big kids until you can get around the block without them. You're never really living if you don't take the training wheels off your mind, at least from time to time. What exactly do I mean by that? I mean that you have to be upfront with yourself. You have to ask yourself if the things you've been doing are still working for you. You have to think about things that have happened and what they really mean to you. You have to try some new things and get outside of your comfort zone a bit. You have to evaluate what makes you uncomfortable. I'm not saying you need to abandon your principles, not at all. I am saying though, that it is important to even question the fundamentals sometimes. If the things you believe really are true and right(for you anyway), you'll feel even better about them after some good reflection.
I bring all of this up because I know that I can't possibly be the only one out there with issues swirling around my head that I ought to have confronted years ago. I think it is far too easy to hide the hard things from yourself. It can be hard to bring out the truth for yourself, but it is rewarding. It is liberating to start understanding yourself, just like it was liberating to lose the training wheels.
I've been thinking a lot about being honest with myself. It seems like it would be hard to avoid full disclosure with yourself. When I write it, it almost seems ridiculous. The thing is, there is a huge difference between knowing everything that we do or say and knowing how it makes us feel or why we do or say it.
When I first started thinking about writing this, I wanted to talk about how important it is to be honest with yourself. The more I thought about it though, the more I realized the difficulty of it. Don't get me wrong, I think it is vital. I think though that before I can go on and on about being true to yourself and all of that, I need to address what that actually means.
I guess what I've learned over the last few years is that we train ourselves to think and act in certain ways. To some extent we have to do that, I get that. But, sometimes all that training gets in the way of fully experiencing things. If we only have our prefabricated responses we never actually stop to think about anything. We never question anything. We never develop opinions of anything. And often, we ignore any signs that there might be something going on within ourselves that would go beyond the training.
I see this kind of living sort of like riding a bike with training wheels. It is still fun, but you're never really one of the big kids until you can get around the block without them. You're never really living if you don't take the training wheels off your mind, at least from time to time. What exactly do I mean by that? I mean that you have to be upfront with yourself. You have to ask yourself if the things you've been doing are still working for you. You have to think about things that have happened and what they really mean to you. You have to try some new things and get outside of your comfort zone a bit. You have to evaluate what makes you uncomfortable. I'm not saying you need to abandon your principles, not at all. I am saying though, that it is important to even question the fundamentals sometimes. If the things you believe really are true and right(for you anyway), you'll feel even better about them after some good reflection.
I bring all of this up because I know that I can't possibly be the only one out there with issues swirling around my head that I ought to have confronted years ago. I think it is far too easy to hide the hard things from yourself. It can be hard to bring out the truth for yourself, but it is rewarding. It is liberating to start understanding yourself, just like it was liberating to lose the training wheels.
Saturday, April 24, 2010
It's Coming!
For four years of college the end of April signalled one blessed thing: the beginning of summer break. I know that April is a little early to start talking about summer, but I guess it is somehow programed in me now to start thinking of summer when the end of April rolls around. This is just my first year of many to come in which summer vacation will not be starting until June, but that doesn't mean I can't start thinking about it.
I had a sort of magical moment this evening. I was sitting outside in my backyard watching my dog run around, and I just got this summery feeling. Then I looked at my neighbors' house and they were outside making s'mores in their fire pit. Now I have to ask. What could be more summery than that? I just got so excited for summer to come.
I've always loved summer. I think there is something special about summer nights. The air just feels different. It is sort of enchanting. Sigh... I'm so excited. When I discovered the perfect summer job last year, it all came together. I'll be back at that job in two months. I can't wait.
I'm so looking forward to warm sunny mornings and crazy afternoon storms. I can't wait for a perfect breeze through my window at night. I'm not sure it ever hit me until tonight just how perfect summer feels. I'm so glad it's coming soon!
I had a sort of magical moment this evening. I was sitting outside in my backyard watching my dog run around, and I just got this summery feeling. Then I looked at my neighbors' house and they were outside making s'mores in their fire pit. Now I have to ask. What could be more summery than that? I just got so excited for summer to come.
I've always loved summer. I think there is something special about summer nights. The air just feels different. It is sort of enchanting. Sigh... I'm so excited. When I discovered the perfect summer job last year, it all came together. I'll be back at that job in two months. I can't wait.
I'm so looking forward to warm sunny mornings and crazy afternoon storms. I can't wait for a perfect breeze through my window at night. I'm not sure it ever hit me until tonight just how perfect summer feels. I'm so glad it's coming soon!
Friday, April 23, 2010
it's still the year of honesty
Remember when I started this thing how excited I was about this being the year of honesty? I've been thinking in the last week that it is time to reclaim that excitement. I feel as though I've lost some of that fervour I had before. Case in point, the very friend with whom I made the year of honesty pledge and I had a total year of honesty fail recently. We made plans to do something together, but as it got closer, we both got over it. The problem was, we didn't tell each other because we didn't want the other to be disappointed. We admitted to each other after the fact that we were over it before it happened and had to kind of laugh. We could have saved ourselves so much time, money, and energy by just being honest with each other.
See guys. Life is better when you're honest. I know that the two of us are now reconnecting with that feeling we had about the year of honesty in the beginning. I'm really happy about it. I think the two of us have both begun to see that having this commitment to being honest with others and ourselves is vital to the personal changes we're trying to make right now.
This will have implications for the ol' blog too. I'm going to start writing a little more directly about being honest. I want to do this on a regular basis. Maybe like twice a month or something, we'll see. Hopefully I'll start having success stories rather than year of honesty failures.
See guys. Life is better when you're honest. I know that the two of us are now reconnecting with that feeling we had about the year of honesty in the beginning. I'm really happy about it. I think the two of us have both begun to see that having this commitment to being honest with others and ourselves is vital to the personal changes we're trying to make right now.
This will have implications for the ol' blog too. I'm going to start writing a little more directly about being honest. I want to do this on a regular basis. Maybe like twice a month or something, we'll see. Hopefully I'll start having success stories rather than year of honesty failures.
Sunday, April 18, 2010
rules for living (and dying)
The more I think about it, the more I believe that in life there are really only two basic rules to follow. I haven't decided yet if one is any more important than the other. The rules are to not hurt yourself and not hurt others. If you want to put that in positive behavioral terms, the rules are to be good to yourself and to be good to others. I think the rules take on a slightly different meaning when you put them in positive rather than negative terms, but they are essentially the same.
It seems to me that there are far more names for these rules than necessary. I mean, who is anyone kidding? No one came up with this stuff. No one can claim it. All the rules, standards, or suggestions for living life that I've heard that are any good essentially boil down to these two rules. So why do we need all the rest? Can't we figure out for ourselves whats best? Sadly, we have a hard time deciphering what is best for us, so most of us look to other sources for help in making decisions.
Here's the thing. I think we actually do know what is best. I think if we just broke it down and actually thought about the impact of our decisions on ourselves and on other people we could come up with the best answer. The problem is that so few of us do that. Really, no one does that all of the time. That friends, is why we as people seek out laws and religions and anything else to give us more direct guidance about how to live. Because life is just so much easier with fewer choices to make.
Alas, no matter how hard any of us try, we will inevitably come face to face with a problem that requires us to think beyond all of our immediate answers. Most of us will feel ill prepared because after all, haven't we been working to avoid this? Shouldn't we already have an answer for this? The fact is that there is no way to have an answer ready for everything. We have to be able to look within ourselves and find what is right. We have to be able to evaluate the potential impact on ourselves and on others. These are the real rules, the rules not only to live by but also to die by.
It seems to me that there are far more names for these rules than necessary. I mean, who is anyone kidding? No one came up with this stuff. No one can claim it. All the rules, standards, or suggestions for living life that I've heard that are any good essentially boil down to these two rules. So why do we need all the rest? Can't we figure out for ourselves whats best? Sadly, we have a hard time deciphering what is best for us, so most of us look to other sources for help in making decisions.
Here's the thing. I think we actually do know what is best. I think if we just broke it down and actually thought about the impact of our decisions on ourselves and on other people we could come up with the best answer. The problem is that so few of us do that. Really, no one does that all of the time. That friends, is why we as people seek out laws and religions and anything else to give us more direct guidance about how to live. Because life is just so much easier with fewer choices to make.
Alas, no matter how hard any of us try, we will inevitably come face to face with a problem that requires us to think beyond all of our immediate answers. Most of us will feel ill prepared because after all, haven't we been working to avoid this? Shouldn't we already have an answer for this? The fact is that there is no way to have an answer ready for everything. We have to be able to look within ourselves and find what is right. We have to be able to evaluate the potential impact on ourselves and on others. These are the real rules, the rules not only to live by but also to die by.
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