what do you want?

So a month or so ago a friend of mine was asked what she wanted by a guy. I would like to comment here that I think that fact alone is pretty amazing. Even more amazing, after giving it some thought, my friend came up with a list of things that she actually wants. I think its pretty awesome. Her list had some practical wants on it that she could buy or whatever and some other things that were not material.
Anyway, I was thinking about this wish list of sorts that my friend made and I thought it could be a positive exercise. I think it would be good to put pen to paper from time to time and make a list of wants. If the same things are on your lists time after time, I think that is a good indication that it is time to make some changes. Obviously if you always want the same things and never get them, you need to do something differently to get closer to having them.
So, what do I want? It is actually a much harder question to answer than you'd think it should be. There are certain things that I want in my life that are solid. There are other things though that just seem like big fat question marks. That said, here is my current list of wants. Some of them I realize are easier to come by than others.
I want:
to stop feeling sick before I leave for my trip on Wednesday, my new puppy to be ready to live with me already, a desire to work out regularly, some amount of certainty that the career path I'm on is the right one, to know the secret to happiness, to be able to make chocolate chip cookies as good as my moms, to feel less crazy, some cute springy clothes, to fall in love and not have it fall apart, financial independence, my car to stop making funny sounds, and to be less pale.
I guess the usefulness in a list like this would be picking a thing or two at a time to work on obtaining. Even if you don't do that, it is kind of interesting to be honest with yourself about what you actually want. Not everything on the list needs to be deep and important, that makes it seem too hard. Right now, today, what do you want? Think about it, then write it down.

happy listening

Today's post is an ode to music's role in my life. I just love how no matter what I'm feeling, there is always the right song to listen to. When I'm feeling kind of nostalgic I can listen to some sweet jams from the past. When I'm missing someone, I listen to the music that reminds me of them. When I feel kinda hyper I listen to something I can bounce around and sing along to. Anyway, you get the picture. I guess my feelings about music aren't really very different from anyone else's. I guess sometimes music just strikes me more than others, you know?
For example, I was bopping along to Mika's Blue Eyes the other day when I actually stopped to listen to the lyrics. It says, "Come sorrow is so peculiar, comes in a day then it'll never leave you. You take a pill wonder if it will fix you, then wonder why sorrow has never left you." I was like, oh my gosh. That's so true. I feel that way sometimes. Too often, if I'm being totally honest. As a former Prozac popper, I can say that's how it feels. You get this freaking pill and hope beyond anything you've hoped before that it'll work, and more often than not you still feel crappy. Oh Mika, you know me too well.

I wish that I could write amazing music that would touch people's lives. The thing about music is that is doesn't have to really be anything in particular to have an impact on people's lives. Music is everywhere. Even a lame song you danced to with your friends one night becomes linked to the experience. Just try to hear that song without thinking of them. You can't. I love that. I mean, sometimes it is really annoying when you can't hear a song without thinking of someone. I get that. But today I'm just really excited about how awesome music is.
In closing, here are my top three favorite things about great music.
1. it says the things I can't
2. it gets super intertwined with my memories
3. I can listen to the same song over and over and over again just soaking it in.
Ok, now go listen to something awesome.

up in the gym just workin on my fitness

Observation of the week: gyms are not for fat people. Gyms are havens for those that are already in fantastic shape and spend their days pumping iron and drinking protein shakes. This observation is clearly coming from a chubby girl, but I think it's pretty obvious. There was a time in my life when I worked out a lot. Even then, I was chubby and felt huge next to some of the girls in the gym. I felt better about myself then than I had in years, but I still felt a twinge of insecurity every single time I walked into the gym.
I went to the gym this week for the first time in a while and I was convinced that I was the fattest person there. What gives? You'd think that since the diet industry is so huge there would be more fatties trying to slim down. I guess not. Truthfully, I think a lot of people feel uncomfortable going to the gym. I feel insecure while I'm there. It doesn't bother me enough to never go again, but it wouldn't surprise me if people were bothered that much. Think about it, CURVES exists because women feel too insecure to work out in a traditional gym setting. This really bothers me.
It seems like everyone should feel welcome to improve themselves. I guess in theory everyone is welcome to go to the gym and workout and get fit. The fact is though, that not everyone IS equally welcome. Anyone who has been to a gym knows this to be true. The feeling I get every time I go is a conflict between never ever wanting to walk into that menacing building again and wanting to go back every day to show those protein shake junkies that I belong there just as much as they do. And maybe that's it. Maybe I feel like I don't belong there because I'm not as dedicated to my fitness as the others.
The chubby girl in the gym will never feel as comfortable as the women with utterly perfect bodies next to her. I think it is important to remember that those women are working for those perfect bodies. Getting fit is a process for everyone. For some of us it just seems to be a longer one.

feels like home

It is a strange sort of thing to grow up in Southern California. I mean, I've spent my entire life surrounded by things people visit on vacations or sometimes just see in movies and television. I guess though, that the really strange part is growing up in the Inland Empire. The IE isn't exactly what most people envision when they think of the splendor of Southern California. I kind of feel like growing up in the Inland Empire is like growing up anywhere else in the country, but with better weather. Sure, we're nice and close to all the good stuff in the area, but how often do we actually make it there?
I've realized recently that for as much as I consider this place my home, I sure haven't seen much of it. I went and wandered around in Hollywood yesterday and wondered why I'd never done it before. I've been to events in Hollywood, but I've never just hung around. And why not? I guess because I had no reason to. I'm thinking though, that I've been limiting my own appreciation of where I live. I suppose I could be off, but I'm pretty sure that people think of Hollywood and beaches when they think of Southern California. Then here I am claiming this place as my own and missing out on most of its offerings. Just today I went, in the rain mind you, to Balboa and just sort of hung around. Even in the off season, it's a fun place to be. I can't remember the last time I was there.
I remember when I lived in New York City for a few months I would be out doing whatever and it would hit me that I was actually living there. I would feel so excited about just being in that amazing city. I felt lucky to have a chance to live there for a short time. I guess I'm saying that I am trying to feel that way about home. I think that is the way I should feel about where I live. I'm trying to experience all those things that I never got around to that make people want to come here. I think every place has its charms, but when you live somewhere for a while that charm starts fading. I'm trying to bring back the charm to Southern California.

I got the power

A very wise woman once told me that pussy is power. While that word is really not a favorite of mine, I thought it appropriate to stay true to the original statement. I really didn't understand what she was saying at first. She explained that women have a lot of power because of their sexuality. I really don't think it's a secret that pretty girls can get basically anything they want. What a lot of people don't see is how much power all women have.
When this wise women told me about this I wasn't sure how true it was. I just hadn't seen the evidence that as a woman I was really in control of how the dating scene worked for me. Guys had told me that it is easier to be a girl, but it can be hard when you feel like you're the girl getting looked over. I found though, that any decent looking girl can get as much male attention as she wants. It is kind of fascinating. If we women put it out there, odds are that some guy will take the offer. Knowing that, our standards can be higher. I think a lot of guys have pretty low standards for their hook ups because they feel like they need to take what they can get. We ladies on the other hand, get to be discriminating.
This whole situation is really interesting for me because I think I always saw men as the ones in control of traditional relationships. I have two thoughts on that. One- most relationships aren't exactly traditional anymore. Two- just because the man is supposed to do the asking and paying doesn't give him control. The power is in the ability to refuse or consent. So, traditional or not, women have serious power.
I'm inclined to believe that this power has really manifested itself more as society has changed to allow it. I think the power has always been there, but as women are now more socially and sexually free the power is more obvious. Power is a tricky thing though. Some women misuse it, while others fail to recognize it. To me, figuring out a place in this power structure is one of the hardest parts of being a woman, particularly a young one.

one is hard enough

My friend told me an interesting story last night. He was going through a time in his life where he was really afraid of letting people know who he really was and what he was really doing. He was afraid of all of the things that we get afraid of. It can be really scary to put your true self out there. If other people reject your fake image, it doesn't matter. If you really put yourself out there and people don't accept you, it hurts. He was really struggling to navigate all of this. He knew he was gay, but felt more comfortable keeping it a secret from his friends and family. One night, a guy asked my friend if anyone knew he was gay. My friend told him no. The guys response was really powerful. He said, "It's hard enough living one life. Why would you want to live two?" My friend described those words as feeling like a slap in the face. He realized that he was trying to live two lives and that it was a lot harder than just being honest.
I was actually kind of surprised by this story because my friend just seems so secure. He is so close with his family, and they all seem so supportive. I guess I just didn't think about the fact that it takes time to get there. It takes time to come to a point where we're comfortable enough with ourselves that we feel like we can let other people see us. It takes time for other people to acclimate when they feel shaken by the things we show them. When people really love you, they come around.
My friend's story really got me thinking about myself and where I am. How many lives am I trying to live? How much of myself do I feel comfortable showing to other people? I don't want to keep up appearances anymore. That doesn't mean that everyone has to know all of my indiscretions, only that I'm not hiding what I do or who I am. It has become really easy for me to tell things to some people in my life and keep my mouth shut with others. I'm thinking that maybe its time to break down the barriers between my worlds. It doesn't have to happen with a wrecking ball, all at once. A sledge hammer suits me fine. I can work at it over time. I've still got 10 months in the year of honesty.

welcome to the party life

I've often wondered what I missed by never getting into the party life. My friends always have such fun stories. I'm not going to lie, it makes me kind of jealous. I really don't think kids in high school need to get into that, so I don't feel like I missed anything there. College, on the other hand, is another story entirely.
I feel like I missed something in my college experience. I mean, I got a great education. I met some wonderful people. But what about that college experience I always heard about? Going away to school and living with friends was great, but what about the other stuff? What about the parties and the ridiculous antics? Where was all of that? I guess I can't really complain. I made the choice to go to the school I did. Though in my defense I didn't REALLY know what it would be like when I decided to go there.
The point is, I find myself now wondering if there are some experiences that I really shouldn't miss out on. The problem is knowing what is worthwhile and what isn't. After some recent experiences and conversations, I'm coming to realize that some experiences aren't really necessary. No experience is worthless, but I think most of us would be better off passing on certain ones. I mean, what girl who has ever made a plan B run is totally glad she had that experience? That is just one example, but to me it is kind of representative. We all deserve to have fun and do stupid things while we're young. It just seems like some of those things grouped in with fun aren't really so great when you think about how you might feel after.
I was talking to my best friend about something that went on at a recent event that I wasn't so excited about. His response- welcome to the party life. I guess you have to take the good with the bad. But is it worth it? I'm sure it is sometimes, but don't be expecting me to show up on girls gone wild.