one is hard enough

My friend told me an interesting story last night. He was going through a time in his life where he was really afraid of letting people know who he really was and what he was really doing. He was afraid of all of the things that we get afraid of. It can be really scary to put your true self out there. If other people reject your fake image, it doesn't matter. If you really put yourself out there and people don't accept you, it hurts. He was really struggling to navigate all of this. He knew he was gay, but felt more comfortable keeping it a secret from his friends and family. One night, a guy asked my friend if anyone knew he was gay. My friend told him no. The guys response was really powerful. He said, "It's hard enough living one life. Why would you want to live two?" My friend described those words as feeling like a slap in the face. He realized that he was trying to live two lives and that it was a lot harder than just being honest.
I was actually kind of surprised by this story because my friend just seems so secure. He is so close with his family, and they all seem so supportive. I guess I just didn't think about the fact that it takes time to get there. It takes time to come to a point where we're comfortable enough with ourselves that we feel like we can let other people see us. It takes time for other people to acclimate when they feel shaken by the things we show them. When people really love you, they come around.
My friend's story really got me thinking about myself and where I am. How many lives am I trying to live? How much of myself do I feel comfortable showing to other people? I don't want to keep up appearances anymore. That doesn't mean that everyone has to know all of my indiscretions, only that I'm not hiding what I do or who I am. It has become really easy for me to tell things to some people in my life and keep my mouth shut with others. I'm thinking that maybe its time to break down the barriers between my worlds. It doesn't have to happen with a wrecking ball, all at once. A sledge hammer suits me fine. I can work at it over time. I've still got 10 months in the year of honesty.