feels like home

It is a strange sort of thing to grow up in Southern California. I mean, I've spent my entire life surrounded by things people visit on vacations or sometimes just see in movies and television. I guess though, that the really strange part is growing up in the Inland Empire. The IE isn't exactly what most people envision when they think of the splendor of Southern California. I kind of feel like growing up in the Inland Empire is like growing up anywhere else in the country, but with better weather. Sure, we're nice and close to all the good stuff in the area, but how often do we actually make it there?
I've realized recently that for as much as I consider this place my home, I sure haven't seen much of it. I went and wandered around in Hollywood yesterday and wondered why I'd never done it before. I've been to events in Hollywood, but I've never just hung around. And why not? I guess because I had no reason to. I'm thinking though, that I've been limiting my own appreciation of where I live. I suppose I could be off, but I'm pretty sure that people think of Hollywood and beaches when they think of Southern California. Then here I am claiming this place as my own and missing out on most of its offerings. Just today I went, in the rain mind you, to Balboa and just sort of hung around. Even in the off season, it's a fun place to be. I can't remember the last time I was there.
I remember when I lived in New York City for a few months I would be out doing whatever and it would hit me that I was actually living there. I would feel so excited about just being in that amazing city. I felt lucky to have a chance to live there for a short time. I guess I'm saying that I am trying to feel that way about home. I think that is the way I should feel about where I live. I'm trying to experience all those things that I never got around to that make people want to come here. I think every place has its charms, but when you live somewhere for a while that charm starts fading. I'm trying to bring back the charm to Southern California.

I got the power

A very wise woman once told me that pussy is power. While that word is really not a favorite of mine, I thought it appropriate to stay true to the original statement. I really didn't understand what she was saying at first. She explained that women have a lot of power because of their sexuality. I really don't think it's a secret that pretty girls can get basically anything they want. What a lot of people don't see is how much power all women have.
When this wise women told me about this I wasn't sure how true it was. I just hadn't seen the evidence that as a woman I was really in control of how the dating scene worked for me. Guys had told me that it is easier to be a girl, but it can be hard when you feel like you're the girl getting looked over. I found though, that any decent looking girl can get as much male attention as she wants. It is kind of fascinating. If we women put it out there, odds are that some guy will take the offer. Knowing that, our standards can be higher. I think a lot of guys have pretty low standards for their hook ups because they feel like they need to take what they can get. We ladies on the other hand, get to be discriminating.
This whole situation is really interesting for me because I think I always saw men as the ones in control of traditional relationships. I have two thoughts on that. One- most relationships aren't exactly traditional anymore. Two- just because the man is supposed to do the asking and paying doesn't give him control. The power is in the ability to refuse or consent. So, traditional or not, women have serious power.
I'm inclined to believe that this power has really manifested itself more as society has changed to allow it. I think the power has always been there, but as women are now more socially and sexually free the power is more obvious. Power is a tricky thing though. Some women misuse it, while others fail to recognize it. To me, figuring out a place in this power structure is one of the hardest parts of being a woman, particularly a young one.

one is hard enough

My friend told me an interesting story last night. He was going through a time in his life where he was really afraid of letting people know who he really was and what he was really doing. He was afraid of all of the things that we get afraid of. It can be really scary to put your true self out there. If other people reject your fake image, it doesn't matter. If you really put yourself out there and people don't accept you, it hurts. He was really struggling to navigate all of this. He knew he was gay, but felt more comfortable keeping it a secret from his friends and family. One night, a guy asked my friend if anyone knew he was gay. My friend told him no. The guys response was really powerful. He said, "It's hard enough living one life. Why would you want to live two?" My friend described those words as feeling like a slap in the face. He realized that he was trying to live two lives and that it was a lot harder than just being honest.
I was actually kind of surprised by this story because my friend just seems so secure. He is so close with his family, and they all seem so supportive. I guess I just didn't think about the fact that it takes time to get there. It takes time to come to a point where we're comfortable enough with ourselves that we feel like we can let other people see us. It takes time for other people to acclimate when they feel shaken by the things we show them. When people really love you, they come around.
My friend's story really got me thinking about myself and where I am. How many lives am I trying to live? How much of myself do I feel comfortable showing to other people? I don't want to keep up appearances anymore. That doesn't mean that everyone has to know all of my indiscretions, only that I'm not hiding what I do or who I am. It has become really easy for me to tell things to some people in my life and keep my mouth shut with others. I'm thinking that maybe its time to break down the barriers between my worlds. It doesn't have to happen with a wrecking ball, all at once. A sledge hammer suits me fine. I can work at it over time. I've still got 10 months in the year of honesty.

welcome to the party life

I've often wondered what I missed by never getting into the party life. My friends always have such fun stories. I'm not going to lie, it makes me kind of jealous. I really don't think kids in high school need to get into that, so I don't feel like I missed anything there. College, on the other hand, is another story entirely.
I feel like I missed something in my college experience. I mean, I got a great education. I met some wonderful people. But what about that college experience I always heard about? Going away to school and living with friends was great, but what about the other stuff? What about the parties and the ridiculous antics? Where was all of that? I guess I can't really complain. I made the choice to go to the school I did. Though in my defense I didn't REALLY know what it would be like when I decided to go there.
The point is, I find myself now wondering if there are some experiences that I really shouldn't miss out on. The problem is knowing what is worthwhile and what isn't. After some recent experiences and conversations, I'm coming to realize that some experiences aren't really necessary. No experience is worthless, but I think most of us would be better off passing on certain ones. I mean, what girl who has ever made a plan B run is totally glad she had that experience? That is just one example, but to me it is kind of representative. We all deserve to have fun and do stupid things while we're young. It just seems like some of those things grouped in with fun aren't really so great when you think about how you might feel after.
I was talking to my best friend about something that went on at a recent event that I wasn't so excited about. His response- welcome to the party life. I guess you have to take the good with the bad. But is it worth it? I'm sure it is sometimes, but don't be expecting me to show up on girls gone wild.

politely insincere

Why is it that I feel compelled to tell people I'm happy for them when their news actually makes me want to smother myself with a pillow? That, dear friends, is the question of the day. Here it is, my year of honesty, and I can't get a handle on this one. I was feeling proud of myself for taking this honesty thing to heart, but I will concede that there are circumstances when saying your true feelings isn't exactly prudent. A call for honesty is certainly not a call for rudeness. There is, however, a difference between being rude and just not saying the polite thing. I'm not sure it's polite to be insincere. I'm really struggling with this one.
The thing is, friends are always sharing some news that they're really excited about. I just find myself in want of the same enthusiasm. I mean, what is the appropriate response when your friend tells you she is going to marry someone she met a month ago? How do you react when you find out your young friend is pregnant again already? What do you say when a friend you have a secret crush on gets engaged? The list goes on. All of these are real situations from my life. All of these people I congratulated because they were happy. But inside I was freaking out. I wanted to scream, "you're doing what?!" The funny thing is, I really admire that quickie marriage. Those kids are happy. The pregnant friend LOVES being a mom and she is great at it. I should have given her more credit. My secret crush didn't mean anything. How silly of me to let it stop me from being happy for a good friend.
So I wonder, was I right to congratulate these friends? Should I have said I was stoked for them when I was actually skeptical? In these cases they convinced me in the long run, but not everyone does. I'm skeptical of my friends' life choices as I'm sure they are of mine. I just think it usually isn't my place to say so. So, should I say nothing? Or should I really keep telling people I'm stoked about their plans that have me worried about the rest of their lives? Then again, who am I to tell people their plans are no good? Just because a certain way of life doesn't work for me doesn't mean that it doesn't work at all. I guess the answer is that I continue to be happy when those I love are happy. That part has always been sincere. If someone wants to know how I really feel, they'll ask. Until or unless that happens, I'm stoked for you friends. I suppose that I'm glad you find happiness in things that bring me anxiety. It brings balance to the world.

shades of gray

I've been thinking a lot about the difference between right and wrong. It seems like they're always getting framed as totally black and white, or at least I was raised that way. In reality though, things aren't so distinct.
I find myself wondering who decides what is right and wrong. I mean, it seems like certain things are framed as morally wrong that are really just logically not good things to do. For example, I don't think it is morally wrong to do illegal drugs. I think it can be risky, both legally and physically, to do drugs. Because of the risks, the logical choice for me is to avoid them. But I know a lot of people who feel differently about that, on either side. I know many that believe doing drugs to be morally wrong and many that that believe doing drugs to be a perfectly sound idea. So where is the black and white in this situation? It seems a lot more like gray to me. I've been noticing more and more gray in my life lately as I've found that a lot of what I always thought about as moral issues are better decided as logical ones.
I'm not saying that life isn't full of moral dilemmas. It is. The tension between right and wrong is all over the place. I'm finding though, that few things are either always wrong or always right. For example, helping people is nearly always right. It can be wrong though when it turns to enabling. Then it becomes destructive, and it isn't right anymore. Are enablers doing it on purpose? Probably not. Do they think of what they do as morally wrong? I doubt it. But I do.
There is just so much conflict over this idea of wrong vs. right that none of it looks black and white to me anymore. All I see is a blur of gray. I have a personal sense of what is wrong and right that suits me just fine. I can see though, that other people have different ideas about it. To me, gray is ok. In fact, I think it is far more harmonious than the stark contrast of black and white. If people could learn to accept gray rather than trying to make things either black or white the world would be a much happier place.

bitter, cynical, and single

Today is Valentine's Day. I honestly don't know if I've had one before to which I've paid less attention. It seems like people either get really excited for Valentine's Day, or they actively hate it. I feel neither of these things. I just... don't get into it.
I feel like complaining about Valentine's Day screams to the world, "I'm bitter, cynical, and single." While I may be single, I'm certainly not bitter about it. I'm in a good place right now. I just think that there is no meaning in Valentine's Day. Is it supposed to be a celebration of love? If that is the case we all do a terrible job of observing the holiday.
Romantic love is special and rare and exciting, but it certainly isn't the only kind of love in our lives. What about the love that we see and feel everyday, whether or not we have a significant other? I think that kind of love is at least equally important, if not more so. This is the love that gets us through the day. Where would any of us be without the love of friends and family? I think that the love in friendship is seriously under appreciated. When I think of my life, that friendly love has been at the heart of most of my happiest memories.
All of that being said, why is it that the single among us have to feel like we're getting the shaft every year when Valentine's Day rolls around? I think Valentine's Day has the potential to be a really great thing. It has the potential to be a beautiful celebration of love in all forms. Instead it is a celebration of flowers and candy. I say its time we take a stand. Let's take back the day. Let's really celebrate the love in our lives. I want Valentine's Day to be a day that brings people together rather than making people feel more alone than they really are. I want it to be a day that reminds people of the real role of love in their lives.

action is character

I really hope that whoever is reading this has seen An Education. I really loved it. I was thinking about the movie when I started writing this. There is a line in the movie that I will unfortunately not quote perfectly, but I'm going to try. It is something like, "My teacher is always saying, 'action is character.' I think that means that if we never did anything then we'd never be anyone." This conversation in the movie really got me thinking. I totally agree. If we never step outside ourselves and do something real and different, then we can never become the people we were meant to be.
I feel like I’m just starting on this journey of becoming who I really should be. The scary thing is that I have no clue who I am supposed to become. I spent most of my life under one assumption, and now I feel I’ve come to see that as all wrong. I don’t know if there ever really is a totally right. I think that’s the point though. There isn't necessarily one perfect life path for anyone, just the one that makes us learn and grow the most.
I spent my whole life going through the motions and wondering why I never felt fulfilled. Now I’m at this crazy crossroads wondering where I’ll end up. I wonder if I'm really on track now, or if at some later point in life I'll be asking myself what I was thinking.
I think, though, that I’m doing a much better job now of listening to my heart and trying to do what it tells me. I’m not sure I ever did much of that in my life before. I always felt that something wasn’t right. I just always thought it was me. I can finally see that I’m not the part that’s wrong in my life. That doesn’t even make sense! How can I possibly be the malfunction in my own life? Sometimes I’m amazed at how little I’ve allowed myself to think of me all this time. I really can’t believe that I actually thought that my whole life sucked because I just sucked at living it.
I’m finally starting to see that the things I wanted to be and to do didn’t make sense. I realize now that you can’t frame your life around abstract ideas and perfect images. That will only ever lead to heartache and disappointment. What I’m starting to feel is that life is supposed to be about something more definite. Its not about being perfect, rather, its about being the best form of myself. Life is for living and feeling and experiencing. In everything I do I can get closer to the person I’m supposed to be. I never again want to feel like I’m stuck trying to move toward some ideal that has nothing to do with who I really am. That is what I felt like for a long time. I felt like there was this person I was supposed to be, but that I wasn’t even sure I liked that person. I just thought that I didn’t like her yet because I wasn’t there yet, or something. I don't even think that sentence makes sense, let alone the idea.
I just want to find the real person I’m supposed to be, the one that bears all the signs of actually having lived my life.

don't break the rules

I really do think people should be able to express their opinions. I have a real problem with people who would try to stifle the expression of others. Honestly though, I sometimes have to remind myself that if I believe someone is entitled to say something outrageous then I must also believe someone else is entitled to take issue with whatever they had to say. It can be hard to remember that just because I take no issue with a friend's profanity, for example, doesn't mean everyone will be as happy with it. I sometimes find myself thinking, "why are they being so judgemental?" but I always stop myself because they are entitled to dislike it. The point is, even when it is hard to remember that EVERYONE is entitled to express their opinions, I do.
Others however, seem to have an incredibly difficult time with this concept. I support healthy debate. I think it is great when people can have a constructive conversation about something that they do not necessarily agree on. I really don't even mind when debates get heated. They are more heartfelt and interesting that way.
The thing I have a problem with is when people forget the rules of the game. What do I mean by that? That you attack arguments not individuals. When you take the discussion away from what the person said and make it about who the person is, you break the rules. There is just no room for that. I have no room for that kind of behavior in my world.
I've encountered far too much of this recently and it has got to stop. I have an incredibly hard time wrapping my mind around the fact that people actually think it is acceptable to say things like, "what you need to understand is that no one will like you if you do that," or "I know in your mind these things don't exist, but..." in a classroom of future teachers! Where did they learn that this was alright? Are these people all around douche bags? Or are they simply so bad at arguing for themselves that they feel a need to attack other people?
I just don't understand. I hope these people don't act this way in their personal lives, and I really hope they learn to curb it in their professional lives. It just isn't ok. And quite frankly, I'm done putting up with it.

2010: the year of honesty

So last night I had one of those really honest conversations with my best friend. I guess he has been having a lot of these encounters lately and has decided that 2010 is the year of total honesty. It is the year for saying exactly what is on your mind.
I have to say, I couldn't be more on board with this idea. It is totally time for this in my life, in everyone's life. I am so tired of censoring myself for no good reason. Why shouldn't people know how I actually feel? Think about that. What reason do any of us really have for not telling the whole truth? If there is no better reason than personal discomfort or embarrassment, I say give it up.
I advocate true expression. I believe in saying what I really want to say. I know how hard it can be to do this, but it's 2010. The time has come to make the image we portray to other people match the person we really believe ourselves to be.