They say that if you place a frog in a pot of water from its own pond and slowly raise the heat to boiling the frog will stay there, unaware of the subtle increases in temperature until it finally boils to death. However, if you were to place the same frog into a pot of boiling water it would jump right out, scalded but still alive.
I've been thinking a lot about frogs and boiling water lately, and I think that people are the same way. You see, if something big happens in life we take notice, we take action. In other words, we jump out of the pot! The thing is, life isn't just a handful of major events worthy of our attention. Life is made up of all the tiny changes that we don't notice until one day we realize we've boiled to death. I guess that sounds a lot worse than I mean it to. What I mean is, most of life just passes by until the final bit falls into place and we notice that things aren't as we thought they were. Maybe you'll realize you've finally arrived (I suppose we're all sort of waiting for that kind of realization) or perhaps you'll realize that things have kind of deteriorated. In either situation, by the time you take notice, things have already played out. You've lost the ability to change the course of events. You can't get out of the pot.
The great thing about being a person rather than a frog is that there is more than one chance at this whole pot of water business. If we fail to pay attention the first time and end up boiled, we get another chance. We can watch for the bubbles forming at the bottom of the pot signaling that that things are not what they seem.
I've always heard that your whole life can change in an instant. I think a footnote should be added to that saying only one word, rarely. A much truer statement is this: life changes every instant. Life changes as a result of the little things we do every single day. I'm not saying that the big things don't happen. We can come across pots of boiling water, but when those come we're built to react. Far more often we face the pot of familiar water just waiting to to turn up the heat. The lesson to take away from frogs is to be wary of getting too comfortable. Things are almost never as secure as they seem.
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
Friday, June 4, 2010
letting go
This post is about letting go. I know good writers don't start like that, but when something is sitting as heavily on your mind as this is on mine, you just have to get it out there from the start. I've been thinking a lot about the whole concept of letting go for quite a while now. Today it decided to walk up and punch me in the face. So here I am.
In the course of life there are many things that must be left behind. Sometimes they're people, sometimes places, sometimes ideas. No matter what it is that must be left, it can always be hard to let it go. Some things, I think, we're happy to say goodbye to. Other things though, are much harder to get on without.
As for me, I find myself living the strangest sort of life. I'm caught somewhere between an entire philosophy of living that I think I'm ready to leave and the person that I'm hoping to become. At the same time, I'm stuck between the person I thought was the love of my life and the whole wide world of possibilities. As I've spent most of the last year struggling with these issues I've realized a few things that I'd like to share now.
The first thing is probably the most important. You can't move on if you're standing still. What I mean by that is that you can't possibly let go of something and move forward in your life if you never change anything. They say the definition of insanity is doing the same thing and expecting different results. If that is true, I'm most assuredly insane. I think most of us are in some aspect of life. I've realized lately that I really need to get out of my current atmosphere to have the kind of personal growth I am looking for. While I can't just up and move away yet (emphasis on the yet), I'm looking for ways to change things that I can. The only way to get different results is to do different things. It doesn't necessarily mean your whole life has to change, but it might.
Second, I've realized that my own happiness is more important than other people's happiness. That sounds really terrible and selfish. I guess it sort of is, but I think selfishness has an unnecessarily bad reputation. Sometimes you just have to look out for number one. When you're trying to let go and move forward, you have to do what is best for you. Sometimes what is best for you will be hard for someone else. That is just a price you have to pay.
Third, everyone responds to difficulties in their life differently. I know this seems obvious, but it can be hard to accept sometimes. Maybe it takes you longer than you thought to get over an ex and they're already seeing someone new. Maybe they're over it, maybe this is how they get over it. Either way, it isn't fair to judge other peoples' coping mechanisms. Likewise, it isn't fair to expect that other people feel the same way you do about a situation. It isn't fair to you or to them. I would also like to point out that it does absolutely no good to take personally the way another person chooses to deal with a situation. It probably has nothing to do with you.
Last, I'd like to put out a caution. When making an effort to move on, beware the perils of the selective memory. I recently went through a phase in which I was really into the Lady Antebellum song Need You Now. I felt as though it expressed exactly how I felt. The song came on while I was in the car with someone close to me and I said it was the story of my life. She listened, then reminded me that things were never perfect in my relationship. I had conveniently forgotten.
It is easy when you miss someone or something to only remember the good things. The truth is, nothing is perfect and you can't ignore all of the ways things weren't perfect for you. It only makes letting go that much harder. When you only remember the good, you trick yourself into believing that life would be wonderful now if you had whatever it is back. The truth is, no one person or place or job or whatever will ever make your whole life wonderful. There is nothing wrong with remembering the good times, but it only hurts in the end to forget the bad.
It's hard to let go. Really hard. The thing is, I know I've done a lot to sabotage my own progress and I'm sure we're all guilty of it sometimes. I've also learned a lot and for that I can only be grateful. In Paulo Coelho's book The Alchemist it says that when you really want something all the universe conspires to help you get it. However, its no secret that the help you receive isn't always the help you thought you'd want. Sometimes the way you're led to getting what you really want is rocky and hard, but all of that is important. All of that prepares you for whatever is coming next. I believe all of that to be true in life beyond the pages of that book, and so it is with this whole process of letting go and moving on. It is terribly hard, and sometimes you take one step forward and two steps back. In the end though, you come out better for all you've learned and you're more ready for what life will bring next. At least that's what I'm hoping for.
In the course of life there are many things that must be left behind. Sometimes they're people, sometimes places, sometimes ideas. No matter what it is that must be left, it can always be hard to let it go. Some things, I think, we're happy to say goodbye to. Other things though, are much harder to get on without.
As for me, I find myself living the strangest sort of life. I'm caught somewhere between an entire philosophy of living that I think I'm ready to leave and the person that I'm hoping to become. At the same time, I'm stuck between the person I thought was the love of my life and the whole wide world of possibilities. As I've spent most of the last year struggling with these issues I've realized a few things that I'd like to share now.
The first thing is probably the most important. You can't move on if you're standing still. What I mean by that is that you can't possibly let go of something and move forward in your life if you never change anything. They say the definition of insanity is doing the same thing and expecting different results. If that is true, I'm most assuredly insane. I think most of us are in some aspect of life. I've realized lately that I really need to get out of my current atmosphere to have the kind of personal growth I am looking for. While I can't just up and move away yet (emphasis on the yet), I'm looking for ways to change things that I can. The only way to get different results is to do different things. It doesn't necessarily mean your whole life has to change, but it might.
Second, I've realized that my own happiness is more important than other people's happiness. That sounds really terrible and selfish. I guess it sort of is, but I think selfishness has an unnecessarily bad reputation. Sometimes you just have to look out for number one. When you're trying to let go and move forward, you have to do what is best for you. Sometimes what is best for you will be hard for someone else. That is just a price you have to pay.
Third, everyone responds to difficulties in their life differently. I know this seems obvious, but it can be hard to accept sometimes. Maybe it takes you longer than you thought to get over an ex and they're already seeing someone new. Maybe they're over it, maybe this is how they get over it. Either way, it isn't fair to judge other peoples' coping mechanisms. Likewise, it isn't fair to expect that other people feel the same way you do about a situation. It isn't fair to you or to them. I would also like to point out that it does absolutely no good to take personally the way another person chooses to deal with a situation. It probably has nothing to do with you.
Last, I'd like to put out a caution. When making an effort to move on, beware the perils of the selective memory. I recently went through a phase in which I was really into the Lady Antebellum song Need You Now. I felt as though it expressed exactly how I felt. The song came on while I was in the car with someone close to me and I said it was the story of my life. She listened, then reminded me that things were never perfect in my relationship. I had conveniently forgotten.
It is easy when you miss someone or something to only remember the good things. The truth is, nothing is perfect and you can't ignore all of the ways things weren't perfect for you. It only makes letting go that much harder. When you only remember the good, you trick yourself into believing that life would be wonderful now if you had whatever it is back. The truth is, no one person or place or job or whatever will ever make your whole life wonderful. There is nothing wrong with remembering the good times, but it only hurts in the end to forget the bad.
It's hard to let go. Really hard. The thing is, I know I've done a lot to sabotage my own progress and I'm sure we're all guilty of it sometimes. I've also learned a lot and for that I can only be grateful. In Paulo Coelho's book The Alchemist it says that when you really want something all the universe conspires to help you get it. However, its no secret that the help you receive isn't always the help you thought you'd want. Sometimes the way you're led to getting what you really want is rocky and hard, but all of that is important. All of that prepares you for whatever is coming next. I believe all of that to be true in life beyond the pages of that book, and so it is with this whole process of letting go and moving on. It is terribly hard, and sometimes you take one step forward and two steps back. In the end though, you come out better for all you've learned and you're more ready for what life will bring next. At least that's what I'm hoping for.
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
labels are for clothes, not people
I really really love Glee. I'm not the type of person to wait all week for a show and adjust my schedule to watch it, but this is something different. I feel like I have to see it. I guess my love of Glee isn't terribly important to what I really want to say today, but it was last night's episode that made me decide to write about this.
Ok, so last night on Glee Kurt was upset because he thought he was losing his relationship with his dad because he's gay. He tells this to Sue and she asks him if he has ever even kissed a boy or a girl. Kurt says no. Sue tells him that the problem with his generation is that they're obsessed with labels. She basically tells him that maybe he doesn't really know yet and shouldn't just take on a label because it seems to make sense. Well, if you want to know what happened, watch the episode.
As I watched this exchange take place, I sort of laughed to myself because it is something I've been thinking about a lot. I think that young people are generally obsessed with labels, but that most people grow out of that. I do however, think that there is an area where the general public continues this obsession with labels. That area is sexuality. For some reason people want to see everyone as either straight or gay with very little wiggle room.
Here's the thing. I don't think that sexuality is as simple as all that. Sure, some people are only ever attracted to one sex or another. I think though that a lot of people deviate from that. I mean, how many girls do I know who have made out with other girls but still consider themselves straight? Or what about the gay men I know who have slept with several women? If sexual orientation was as simple as we make it out to be, would these situations arise? I say no.
I guess what I'm saying here is that the labels are kind of a sham. I mean, they don't actually mean anything. At the end of the day, aren't we all just looking for someone to be happy with? One of the most influential people in my life happens to be one someone who kind of breaks the rules when it comes to labels. The way she describes it is that it was never about whether someone was male or female. It was really only ever about the person. Label that!
So what if people don't fit into one category or another. So what if it's you that can't quite figure out which camp you belong in. Sure, labels seem convenient, but they really aren't helpful. It is far too easy to get caught up in a label and lose your true identity.
Ok, so last night on Glee Kurt was upset because he thought he was losing his relationship with his dad because he's gay. He tells this to Sue and she asks him if he has ever even kissed a boy or a girl. Kurt says no. Sue tells him that the problem with his generation is that they're obsessed with labels. She basically tells him that maybe he doesn't really know yet and shouldn't just take on a label because it seems to make sense. Well, if you want to know what happened, watch the episode.
As I watched this exchange take place, I sort of laughed to myself because it is something I've been thinking about a lot. I think that young people are generally obsessed with labels, but that most people grow out of that. I do however, think that there is an area where the general public continues this obsession with labels. That area is sexuality. For some reason people want to see everyone as either straight or gay with very little wiggle room.
Here's the thing. I don't think that sexuality is as simple as all that. Sure, some people are only ever attracted to one sex or another. I think though that a lot of people deviate from that. I mean, how many girls do I know who have made out with other girls but still consider themselves straight? Or what about the gay men I know who have slept with several women? If sexual orientation was as simple as we make it out to be, would these situations arise? I say no.
I guess what I'm saying here is that the labels are kind of a sham. I mean, they don't actually mean anything. At the end of the day, aren't we all just looking for someone to be happy with? One of the most influential people in my life happens to be one someone who kind of breaks the rules when it comes to labels. The way she describes it is that it was never about whether someone was male or female. It was really only ever about the person. Label that!
So what if people don't fit into one category or another. So what if it's you that can't quite figure out which camp you belong in. Sure, labels seem convenient, but they really aren't helpful. It is far too easy to get caught up in a label and lose your true identity.
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
lose the training wheels
I've noticed that sometimes it is just impossible to really express to someone else what you think or feel. That's ok I guess because at least we know... don't we?
I've been thinking a lot about being honest with myself. It seems like it would be hard to avoid full disclosure with yourself. When I write it, it almost seems ridiculous. The thing is, there is a huge difference between knowing everything that we do or say and knowing how it makes us feel or why we do or say it.
When I first started thinking about writing this, I wanted to talk about how important it is to be honest with yourself. The more I thought about it though, the more I realized the difficulty of it. Don't get me wrong, I think it is vital. I think though that before I can go on and on about being true to yourself and all of that, I need to address what that actually means.
I guess what I've learned over the last few years is that we train ourselves to think and act in certain ways. To some extent we have to do that, I get that. But, sometimes all that training gets in the way of fully experiencing things. If we only have our prefabricated responses we never actually stop to think about anything. We never question anything. We never develop opinions of anything. And often, we ignore any signs that there might be something going on within ourselves that would go beyond the training.
I see this kind of living sort of like riding a bike with training wheels. It is still fun, but you're never really one of the big kids until you can get around the block without them. You're never really living if you don't take the training wheels off your mind, at least from time to time. What exactly do I mean by that? I mean that you have to be upfront with yourself. You have to ask yourself if the things you've been doing are still working for you. You have to think about things that have happened and what they really mean to you. You have to try some new things and get outside of your comfort zone a bit. You have to evaluate what makes you uncomfortable. I'm not saying you need to abandon your principles, not at all. I am saying though, that it is important to even question the fundamentals sometimes. If the things you believe really are true and right(for you anyway), you'll feel even better about them after some good reflection.
I bring all of this up because I know that I can't possibly be the only one out there with issues swirling around my head that I ought to have confronted years ago. I think it is far too easy to hide the hard things from yourself. It can be hard to bring out the truth for yourself, but it is rewarding. It is liberating to start understanding yourself, just like it was liberating to lose the training wheels.
I've been thinking a lot about being honest with myself. It seems like it would be hard to avoid full disclosure with yourself. When I write it, it almost seems ridiculous. The thing is, there is a huge difference between knowing everything that we do or say and knowing how it makes us feel or why we do or say it.
When I first started thinking about writing this, I wanted to talk about how important it is to be honest with yourself. The more I thought about it though, the more I realized the difficulty of it. Don't get me wrong, I think it is vital. I think though that before I can go on and on about being true to yourself and all of that, I need to address what that actually means.
I guess what I've learned over the last few years is that we train ourselves to think and act in certain ways. To some extent we have to do that, I get that. But, sometimes all that training gets in the way of fully experiencing things. If we only have our prefabricated responses we never actually stop to think about anything. We never question anything. We never develop opinions of anything. And often, we ignore any signs that there might be something going on within ourselves that would go beyond the training.
I see this kind of living sort of like riding a bike with training wheels. It is still fun, but you're never really one of the big kids until you can get around the block without them. You're never really living if you don't take the training wheels off your mind, at least from time to time. What exactly do I mean by that? I mean that you have to be upfront with yourself. You have to ask yourself if the things you've been doing are still working for you. You have to think about things that have happened and what they really mean to you. You have to try some new things and get outside of your comfort zone a bit. You have to evaluate what makes you uncomfortable. I'm not saying you need to abandon your principles, not at all. I am saying though, that it is important to even question the fundamentals sometimes. If the things you believe really are true and right(for you anyway), you'll feel even better about them after some good reflection.
I bring all of this up because I know that I can't possibly be the only one out there with issues swirling around my head that I ought to have confronted years ago. I think it is far too easy to hide the hard things from yourself. It can be hard to bring out the truth for yourself, but it is rewarding. It is liberating to start understanding yourself, just like it was liberating to lose the training wheels.
Saturday, April 24, 2010
It's Coming!
For four years of college the end of April signalled one blessed thing: the beginning of summer break. I know that April is a little early to start talking about summer, but I guess it is somehow programed in me now to start thinking of summer when the end of April rolls around. This is just my first year of many to come in which summer vacation will not be starting until June, but that doesn't mean I can't start thinking about it.
I had a sort of magical moment this evening. I was sitting outside in my backyard watching my dog run around, and I just got this summery feeling. Then I looked at my neighbors' house and they were outside making s'mores in their fire pit. Now I have to ask. What could be more summery than that? I just got so excited for summer to come.
I've always loved summer. I think there is something special about summer nights. The air just feels different. It is sort of enchanting. Sigh... I'm so excited. When I discovered the perfect summer job last year, it all came together. I'll be back at that job in two months. I can't wait.
I'm so looking forward to warm sunny mornings and crazy afternoon storms. I can't wait for a perfect breeze through my window at night. I'm not sure it ever hit me until tonight just how perfect summer feels. I'm so glad it's coming soon!
I had a sort of magical moment this evening. I was sitting outside in my backyard watching my dog run around, and I just got this summery feeling. Then I looked at my neighbors' house and they were outside making s'mores in their fire pit. Now I have to ask. What could be more summery than that? I just got so excited for summer to come.
I've always loved summer. I think there is something special about summer nights. The air just feels different. It is sort of enchanting. Sigh... I'm so excited. When I discovered the perfect summer job last year, it all came together. I'll be back at that job in two months. I can't wait.
I'm so looking forward to warm sunny mornings and crazy afternoon storms. I can't wait for a perfect breeze through my window at night. I'm not sure it ever hit me until tonight just how perfect summer feels. I'm so glad it's coming soon!
Friday, April 23, 2010
it's still the year of honesty
Remember when I started this thing how excited I was about this being the year of honesty? I've been thinking in the last week that it is time to reclaim that excitement. I feel as though I've lost some of that fervour I had before. Case in point, the very friend with whom I made the year of honesty pledge and I had a total year of honesty fail recently. We made plans to do something together, but as it got closer, we both got over it. The problem was, we didn't tell each other because we didn't want the other to be disappointed. We admitted to each other after the fact that we were over it before it happened and had to kind of laugh. We could have saved ourselves so much time, money, and energy by just being honest with each other.
See guys. Life is better when you're honest. I know that the two of us are now reconnecting with that feeling we had about the year of honesty in the beginning. I'm really happy about it. I think the two of us have both begun to see that having this commitment to being honest with others and ourselves is vital to the personal changes we're trying to make right now.
This will have implications for the ol' blog too. I'm going to start writing a little more directly about being honest. I want to do this on a regular basis. Maybe like twice a month or something, we'll see. Hopefully I'll start having success stories rather than year of honesty failures.
See guys. Life is better when you're honest. I know that the two of us are now reconnecting with that feeling we had about the year of honesty in the beginning. I'm really happy about it. I think the two of us have both begun to see that having this commitment to being honest with others and ourselves is vital to the personal changes we're trying to make right now.
This will have implications for the ol' blog too. I'm going to start writing a little more directly about being honest. I want to do this on a regular basis. Maybe like twice a month or something, we'll see. Hopefully I'll start having success stories rather than year of honesty failures.
Sunday, April 18, 2010
rules for living (and dying)
The more I think about it, the more I believe that in life there are really only two basic rules to follow. I haven't decided yet if one is any more important than the other. The rules are to not hurt yourself and not hurt others. If you want to put that in positive behavioral terms, the rules are to be good to yourself and to be good to others. I think the rules take on a slightly different meaning when you put them in positive rather than negative terms, but they are essentially the same.
It seems to me that there are far more names for these rules than necessary. I mean, who is anyone kidding? No one came up with this stuff. No one can claim it. All the rules, standards, or suggestions for living life that I've heard that are any good essentially boil down to these two rules. So why do we need all the rest? Can't we figure out for ourselves whats best? Sadly, we have a hard time deciphering what is best for us, so most of us look to other sources for help in making decisions.
Here's the thing. I think we actually do know what is best. I think if we just broke it down and actually thought about the impact of our decisions on ourselves and on other people we could come up with the best answer. The problem is that so few of us do that. Really, no one does that all of the time. That friends, is why we as people seek out laws and religions and anything else to give us more direct guidance about how to live. Because life is just so much easier with fewer choices to make.
Alas, no matter how hard any of us try, we will inevitably come face to face with a problem that requires us to think beyond all of our immediate answers. Most of us will feel ill prepared because after all, haven't we been working to avoid this? Shouldn't we already have an answer for this? The fact is that there is no way to have an answer ready for everything. We have to be able to look within ourselves and find what is right. We have to be able to evaluate the potential impact on ourselves and on others. These are the real rules, the rules not only to live by but also to die by.
It seems to me that there are far more names for these rules than necessary. I mean, who is anyone kidding? No one came up with this stuff. No one can claim it. All the rules, standards, or suggestions for living life that I've heard that are any good essentially boil down to these two rules. So why do we need all the rest? Can't we figure out for ourselves whats best? Sadly, we have a hard time deciphering what is best for us, so most of us look to other sources for help in making decisions.
Here's the thing. I think we actually do know what is best. I think if we just broke it down and actually thought about the impact of our decisions on ourselves and on other people we could come up with the best answer. The problem is that so few of us do that. Really, no one does that all of the time. That friends, is why we as people seek out laws and religions and anything else to give us more direct guidance about how to live. Because life is just so much easier with fewer choices to make.
Alas, no matter how hard any of us try, we will inevitably come face to face with a problem that requires us to think beyond all of our immediate answers. Most of us will feel ill prepared because after all, haven't we been working to avoid this? Shouldn't we already have an answer for this? The fact is that there is no way to have an answer ready for everything. We have to be able to look within ourselves and find what is right. We have to be able to evaluate the potential impact on ourselves and on others. These are the real rules, the rules not only to live by but also to die by.
Saturday, April 17, 2010
getting ahead
I find it a little funny that, after writing my last post about changes, I would start this one thinking about how sometimes it feels like life is getting ahead of me. What I mean is that it feels like things happen that I'm not prepared for. It happens a lot, especially at this point in my life. I think everyone sort of feels this way when they're in their early twenties. Its odd though, a lot has happened in my life that I wasn't ready for, but only recently has it made me question if I'm in the place in my life that I should be.
Almost three years ago now two of my best friends got married and my dad died in the same month. If that doesn't turn your life upside down, I don't know what does. At the time though, I was alright. It was a really hard and lonely time in my life, but I got through it. I knew I was doing what I should be at the time, and I even took advantage of all of the upheaval and did some amazing things.
Now those same two friends are pregnant. I've been thinking about it a lot, and this time I have so many questions about where I am and where I should be. I'm not saying I wish I was married or starting my family because I sincerely do not. I'm not sure I want those things ever, but I know I'm not ready for them now. I guess knowing that these two ladies that I've known for so many years are ready to take this leap makes me wonder about a lot of things. I feel so ill prepared to have two of my oldest and dearest friends living on a completely different plane than I am. I told one of them that its like she is a real grown up now. Does that mean I'm not?
I know that I'm doing the things I need to to have the life I planned for myself. I guess I never realized the serious implications that life would have for my relationships. I think its just scary when you realize how different your life is from the people who stood by you through your most formative years.
I've talked about where I am in my life in relation to other people so much over the past couple of years. Only now is that comparison becoming real. I don't think there is any standard for what anyone should or shouldn't do or want in life at any particular time. I think though, that it starts to feel that way when people you love are doing different things than you are. I guess the point of this whole post is that sometimes it really does feel like things are getting ahead of you. You can never really be ready for what is coming next. The only thing you can do in those times is try to evaluate where you are and where you think you should be for yourself. The last thing you need is to make a step you aren't ready for. You'll inevitably stumble, if not fall.
Almost three years ago now two of my best friends got married and my dad died in the same month. If that doesn't turn your life upside down, I don't know what does. At the time though, I was alright. It was a really hard and lonely time in my life, but I got through it. I knew I was doing what I should be at the time, and I even took advantage of all of the upheaval and did some amazing things.
Now those same two friends are pregnant. I've been thinking about it a lot, and this time I have so many questions about where I am and where I should be. I'm not saying I wish I was married or starting my family because I sincerely do not. I'm not sure I want those things ever, but I know I'm not ready for them now. I guess knowing that these two ladies that I've known for so many years are ready to take this leap makes me wonder about a lot of things. I feel so ill prepared to have two of my oldest and dearest friends living on a completely different plane than I am. I told one of them that its like she is a real grown up now. Does that mean I'm not?
I know that I'm doing the things I need to to have the life I planned for myself. I guess I never realized the serious implications that life would have for my relationships. I think its just scary when you realize how different your life is from the people who stood by you through your most formative years.
I've talked about where I am in my life in relation to other people so much over the past couple of years. Only now is that comparison becoming real. I don't think there is any standard for what anyone should or shouldn't do or want in life at any particular time. I think though, that it starts to feel that way when people you love are doing different things than you are. I guess the point of this whole post is that sometimes it really does feel like things are getting ahead of you. You can never really be ready for what is coming next. The only thing you can do in those times is try to evaluate where you are and where you think you should be for yourself. The last thing you need is to make a step you aren't ready for. You'll inevitably stumble, if not fall.
Thursday, April 15, 2010
ch-ch-ch-ch changes...
There are times in life, I've noticed recently, when you realize just how much living you've done and sometimes how much you have left to do. I think that for the most part we all just live our lives from day to day and think very little about all the subtle changes that happen all the time. Don't get me wrong, I think that is the way it is supposed to be. Our lives are supposed to change because we are supposed to change. Sometimes it is hard when the people in our lives change in ways that don't make sense to us. The funny thing is, those people may very well be thinking the exact same thing about us.
I think I have the chance to think about this sort of thing more often than a lot of people because I went away to college and then moved home after for more school. After being gone for four years, things are bound to be different. That was kind of hard for me at first. I came home expecting it to feel like, well... like home. I wanted to feel the same sense of security that I did when I was younger, and I was really upset when I realized I wasn't going to get that. I've since realized that it was foolish of me to believe that I was going to return to the same place I left years ago. I've learned and grown and changed so much in the last few years. It was naive to believe that other people and places wouldn't be doing the same.
They say that the only thing that remains constant is change. I believe that. The funny thing is how change sometimes sneaks up on us when we think we're staying the same. You know what I'm talking about. Its like when you have a friend that you've always talked to often, but slowly but surely you lose touch. Or when you're in a relationship and totally in love, but you just stop trying so much because you're so comfortable and then one day you realize that the magic is gone. If you're anything like me, you sit there are think over and over these situations and wonder how it happened. In the end though, there is nothing you can really point to. Change happened when you weren't looking.
Sometimes we make changes on purpose, but more often it just happens as a result of the lives we lead. I was going to make some statement about how there are certain things you'd want to keep the same, but I'm not. It just isn't possible to stop change from happening. The only thing you can do is try your hardest to make the changes be for the better. Life will move forward whether you're ready or not. I guess we just have to do our best to be ready.
I think I have the chance to think about this sort of thing more often than a lot of people because I went away to college and then moved home after for more school. After being gone for four years, things are bound to be different. That was kind of hard for me at first. I came home expecting it to feel like, well... like home. I wanted to feel the same sense of security that I did when I was younger, and I was really upset when I realized I wasn't going to get that. I've since realized that it was foolish of me to believe that I was going to return to the same place I left years ago. I've learned and grown and changed so much in the last few years. It was naive to believe that other people and places wouldn't be doing the same.
They say that the only thing that remains constant is change. I believe that. The funny thing is how change sometimes sneaks up on us when we think we're staying the same. You know what I'm talking about. Its like when you have a friend that you've always talked to often, but slowly but surely you lose touch. Or when you're in a relationship and totally in love, but you just stop trying so much because you're so comfortable and then one day you realize that the magic is gone. If you're anything like me, you sit there are think over and over these situations and wonder how it happened. In the end though, there is nothing you can really point to. Change happened when you weren't looking.
Sometimes we make changes on purpose, but more often it just happens as a result of the lives we lead. I was going to make some statement about how there are certain things you'd want to keep the same, but I'm not. It just isn't possible to stop change from happening. The only thing you can do is try your hardest to make the changes be for the better. Life will move forward whether you're ready or not. I guess we just have to do our best to be ready.
Thursday, April 1, 2010
best days
For reasons even I'm not sure of, I took a bit of a break from my dear friend, the blog. I've certainly had interesting things to talk about brewing in my mind in that time, and I'm stoked to start sharing them.
First things first. As most who would read this know, I just had a birthday. I was in my car driving to school on my birthday when I heard the song My Best Days are Ahead of Me by Danny Gokey on the radio. Its a country song, for those who've not heard it. Here are the lyrics:
Blowing out the candles
on another birthday cake
Old enough to look back
and laugh at my mistakes
young enough to look at the future
and like what I see
my best days are ahead of me
life hasn't always been a party,
but mostly its been good
there's only one or two things
that I'd change if I could
I don't get lost in the past
or stuck in some sad memory
my best days are ahead of me
Age is nothing but a number
Sometimes I have to wonder
What does it really mean
But hey I'm still putting it together
I keep getting better
if I keep getting better
I can be whatever I want to be
My best days are ahead of me
Age is nothing but a number
Sometimes I have to wonder
What does it really mean
But hey I'm still putting it together
I keep getting better
if I keep getting better
I can be whatever I want to be
My best days are ahead of me
I've got sunsets to witness
dreams to dance with
beaches to walk on
and lovers to kiss
there's a whole lot of world out there
that I can't wait to see
My best days are ahead of me
My best days are ahead of me
I'd heard it before, but it seemed particularly appropriate that day. Earlier in the day I'd been thinking about the last year of my life. I'm not 22 anymore, and I had to ask myself if being 22 was even all that great to begin with. It certainly had its ups and downs. It was certainly a year of changes. I guess you could say I'm looking forward to this whole being 23 thing. I think though, that you should never really get to a point in life where you don't look forward to the year ahead. At 23 I think it is very safe to say that my best days are ahead, but I wonder if I'll ever reach a point where I don't think they are anymore. I really don't believe in being 'past your prime' or whatever. But then, I am sure I haven't reached mine yet.
On the other hand, shouldn't right now be the prime of your life? The time in which we live is the only time we have control over. Doesn't that mean that right now can and should be the prime of our lives? I think that if we lived like that it would be a lot easier to look to the future with enthusiasm rather than skepticism.
First things first. As most who would read this know, I just had a birthday. I was in my car driving to school on my birthday when I heard the song My Best Days are Ahead of Me by Danny Gokey on the radio. Its a country song, for those who've not heard it. Here are the lyrics:
Blowing out the candles
on another birthday cake
Old enough to look back
and laugh at my mistakes
young enough to look at the future
and like what I see
my best days are ahead of me
life hasn't always been a party,
but mostly its been good
there's only one or two things
that I'd change if I could
I don't get lost in the past
or stuck in some sad memory
my best days are ahead of me
Age is nothing but a number
Sometimes I have to wonder
What does it really mean
But hey I'm still putting it together
I keep getting better
if I keep getting better
I can be whatever I want to be
My best days are ahead of me
Age is nothing but a number
Sometimes I have to wonder
What does it really mean
But hey I'm still putting it together
I keep getting better
if I keep getting better
I can be whatever I want to be
My best days are ahead of me
I've got sunsets to witness
dreams to dance with
beaches to walk on
and lovers to kiss
there's a whole lot of world out there
that I can't wait to see
My best days are ahead of me
My best days are ahead of me
I'd heard it before, but it seemed particularly appropriate that day. Earlier in the day I'd been thinking about the last year of my life. I'm not 22 anymore, and I had to ask myself if being 22 was even all that great to begin with. It certainly had its ups and downs. It was certainly a year of changes. I guess you could say I'm looking forward to this whole being 23 thing. I think though, that you should never really get to a point in life where you don't look forward to the year ahead. At 23 I think it is very safe to say that my best days are ahead, but I wonder if I'll ever reach a point where I don't think they are anymore. I really don't believe in being 'past your prime' or whatever. But then, I am sure I haven't reached mine yet.
On the other hand, shouldn't right now be the prime of your life? The time in which we live is the only time we have control over. Doesn't that mean that right now can and should be the prime of our lives? I think that if we lived like that it would be a lot easier to look to the future with enthusiasm rather than skepticism.
Sunday, March 14, 2010
what do you want?
So a month or so ago a friend of mine was asked what she wanted by a guy. I would like to comment here that I think that fact alone is pretty amazing. Even more amazing, after giving it some thought, my friend came up with a list of things that she actually wants. I think its pretty awesome. Her list had some practical wants on it that she could buy or whatever and some other things that were not material.
Anyway, I was thinking about this wish list of sorts that my friend made and I thought it could be a positive exercise. I think it would be good to put pen to paper from time to time and make a list of wants. If the same things are on your lists time after time, I think that is a good indication that it is time to make some changes. Obviously if you always want the same things and never get them, you need to do something differently to get closer to having them.
So, what do I want? It is actually a much harder question to answer than you'd think it should be. There are certain things that I want in my life that are solid. There are other things though that just seem like big fat question marks. That said, here is my current list of wants. Some of them I realize are easier to come by than others.
I want:
to stop feeling sick before I leave for my trip on Wednesday, my new puppy to be ready to live with me already, a desire to work out regularly, some amount of certainty that the career path I'm on is the right one, to know the secret to happiness, to be able to make chocolate chip cookies as good as my moms, to feel less crazy, some cute springy clothes, to fall in love and not have it fall apart, financial independence, my car to stop making funny sounds, and to be less pale.
I guess the usefulness in a list like this would be picking a thing or two at a time to work on obtaining. Even if you don't do that, it is kind of interesting to be honest with yourself about what you actually want. Not everything on the list needs to be deep and important, that makes it seem too hard. Right now, today, what do you want? Think about it, then write it down.
Anyway, I was thinking about this wish list of sorts that my friend made and I thought it could be a positive exercise. I think it would be good to put pen to paper from time to time and make a list of wants. If the same things are on your lists time after time, I think that is a good indication that it is time to make some changes. Obviously if you always want the same things and never get them, you need to do something differently to get closer to having them.
So, what do I want? It is actually a much harder question to answer than you'd think it should be. There are certain things that I want in my life that are solid. There are other things though that just seem like big fat question marks. That said, here is my current list of wants. Some of them I realize are easier to come by than others.
I want:
to stop feeling sick before I leave for my trip on Wednesday, my new puppy to be ready to live with me already, a desire to work out regularly, some amount of certainty that the career path I'm on is the right one, to know the secret to happiness, to be able to make chocolate chip cookies as good as my moms, to feel less crazy, some cute springy clothes, to fall in love and not have it fall apart, financial independence, my car to stop making funny sounds, and to be less pale.
I guess the usefulness in a list like this would be picking a thing or two at a time to work on obtaining. Even if you don't do that, it is kind of interesting to be honest with yourself about what you actually want. Not everything on the list needs to be deep and important, that makes it seem too hard. Right now, today, what do you want? Think about it, then write it down.
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
happy listening
Today's post is an ode to music's role in my life. I just love how no matter what I'm feeling, there is always the right song to listen to. When I'm feeling kind of nostalgic I can listen to some sweet jams from the past. When I'm missing someone, I listen to the music that reminds me of them. When I feel kinda hyper I listen to something I can bounce around and sing along to. Anyway, you get the picture. I guess my feelings about music aren't really very different from anyone else's. I guess sometimes music just strikes me more than others, you know?
For example, I was bopping along to Mika's Blue Eyes the other day when I actually stopped to listen to the lyrics. It says, "Come sorrow is so peculiar, comes in a day then it'll never leave you. You take a pill wonder if it will fix you, then wonder why sorrow has never left you." I was like, oh my gosh. That's so true. I feel that way sometimes. Too often, if I'm being totally honest. As a former Prozac popper, I can say that's how it feels. You get this freaking pill and hope beyond anything you've hoped before that it'll work, and more often than not you still feel crappy. Oh Mika, you know me too well.
I wish that I could write amazing music that would touch people's lives. The thing about music is that is doesn't have to really be anything in particular to have an impact on people's lives. Music is everywhere. Even a lame song you danced to with your friends one night becomes linked to the experience. Just try to hear that song without thinking of them. You can't. I love that. I mean, sometimes it is really annoying when you can't hear a song without thinking of someone. I get that. But today I'm just really excited about how awesome music is.
In closing, here are my top three favorite things about great music.
1. it says the things I can't
2. it gets super intertwined with my memories
3. I can listen to the same song over and over and over again just soaking it in.
Ok, now go listen to something awesome.
For example, I was bopping along to Mika's Blue Eyes the other day when I actually stopped to listen to the lyrics. It says, "Come sorrow is so peculiar, comes in a day then it'll never leave you. You take a pill wonder if it will fix you, then wonder why sorrow has never left you." I was like, oh my gosh. That's so true. I feel that way sometimes. Too often, if I'm being totally honest. As a former Prozac popper, I can say that's how it feels. You get this freaking pill and hope beyond anything you've hoped before that it'll work, and more often than not you still feel crappy. Oh Mika, you know me too well.
I wish that I could write amazing music that would touch people's lives. The thing about music is that is doesn't have to really be anything in particular to have an impact on people's lives. Music is everywhere. Even a lame song you danced to with your friends one night becomes linked to the experience. Just try to hear that song without thinking of them. You can't. I love that. I mean, sometimes it is really annoying when you can't hear a song without thinking of someone. I get that. But today I'm just really excited about how awesome music is.
In closing, here are my top three favorite things about great music.
1. it says the things I can't
2. it gets super intertwined with my memories
3. I can listen to the same song over and over and over again just soaking it in.
Ok, now go listen to something awesome.
Saturday, March 6, 2010
up in the gym just workin on my fitness
Observation of the week: gyms are not for fat people. Gyms are havens for those that are already in fantastic shape and spend their days pumping iron and drinking protein shakes. This observation is clearly coming from a chubby girl, but I think it's pretty obvious. There was a time in my life when I worked out a lot. Even then, I was chubby and felt huge next to some of the girls in the gym. I felt better about myself then than I had in years, but I still felt a twinge of insecurity every single time I walked into the gym.
I went to the gym this week for the first time in a while and I was convinced that I was the fattest person there. What gives? You'd think that since the diet industry is so huge there would be more fatties trying to slim down. I guess not. Truthfully, I think a lot of people feel uncomfortable going to the gym. I feel insecure while I'm there. It doesn't bother me enough to never go again, but it wouldn't surprise me if people were bothered that much. Think about it, CURVES exists because women feel too insecure to work out in a traditional gym setting. This really bothers me.
It seems like everyone should feel welcome to improve themselves. I guess in theory everyone is welcome to go to the gym and workout and get fit. The fact is though, that not everyone IS equally welcome. Anyone who has been to a gym knows this to be true. The feeling I get every time I go is a conflict between never ever wanting to walk into that menacing building again and wanting to go back every day to show those protein shake junkies that I belong there just as much as they do. And maybe that's it. Maybe I feel like I don't belong there because I'm not as dedicated to my fitness as the others.
The chubby girl in the gym will never feel as comfortable as the women with utterly perfect bodies next to her. I think it is important to remember that those women are working for those perfect bodies. Getting fit is a process for everyone. For some of us it just seems to be a longer one.
I went to the gym this week for the first time in a while and I was convinced that I was the fattest person there. What gives? You'd think that since the diet industry is so huge there would be more fatties trying to slim down. I guess not. Truthfully, I think a lot of people feel uncomfortable going to the gym. I feel insecure while I'm there. It doesn't bother me enough to never go again, but it wouldn't surprise me if people were bothered that much. Think about it, CURVES exists because women feel too insecure to work out in a traditional gym setting. This really bothers me.
It seems like everyone should feel welcome to improve themselves. I guess in theory everyone is welcome to go to the gym and workout and get fit. The fact is though, that not everyone IS equally welcome. Anyone who has been to a gym knows this to be true. The feeling I get every time I go is a conflict between never ever wanting to walk into that menacing building again and wanting to go back every day to show those protein shake junkies that I belong there just as much as they do. And maybe that's it. Maybe I feel like I don't belong there because I'm not as dedicated to my fitness as the others.
The chubby girl in the gym will never feel as comfortable as the women with utterly perfect bodies next to her. I think it is important to remember that those women are working for those perfect bodies. Getting fit is a process for everyone. For some of us it just seems to be a longer one.
Saturday, February 27, 2010
feels like home
It is a strange sort of thing to grow up in Southern California. I mean, I've spent my entire life surrounded by things people visit on vacations or sometimes just see in movies and television. I guess though, that the really strange part is growing up in the Inland Empire. The IE isn't exactly what most people envision when they think of the splendor of Southern California. I kind of feel like growing up in the Inland Empire is like growing up anywhere else in the country, but with better weather. Sure, we're nice and close to all the good stuff in the area, but how often do we actually make it there?
I've realized recently that for as much as I consider this place my home, I sure haven't seen much of it. I went and wandered around in Hollywood yesterday and wondered why I'd never done it before. I've been to events in Hollywood, but I've never just hung around. And why not? I guess because I had no reason to. I'm thinking though, that I've been limiting my own appreciation of where I live. I suppose I could be off, but I'm pretty sure that people think of Hollywood and beaches when they think of Southern California. Then here I am claiming this place as my own and missing out on most of its offerings. Just today I went, in the rain mind you, to Balboa and just sort of hung around. Even in the off season, it's a fun place to be. I can't remember the last time I was there.
I remember when I lived in New York City for a few months I would be out doing whatever and it would hit me that I was actually living there. I would feel so excited about just being in that amazing city. I felt lucky to have a chance to live there for a short time. I guess I'm saying that I am trying to feel that way about home. I think that is the way I should feel about where I live. I'm trying to experience all those things that I never got around to that make people want to come here. I think every place has its charms, but when you live somewhere for a while that charm starts fading. I'm trying to bring back the charm to Southern California.
I've realized recently that for as much as I consider this place my home, I sure haven't seen much of it. I went and wandered around in Hollywood yesterday and wondered why I'd never done it before. I've been to events in Hollywood, but I've never just hung around. And why not? I guess because I had no reason to. I'm thinking though, that I've been limiting my own appreciation of where I live. I suppose I could be off, but I'm pretty sure that people think of Hollywood and beaches when they think of Southern California. Then here I am claiming this place as my own and missing out on most of its offerings. Just today I went, in the rain mind you, to Balboa and just sort of hung around. Even in the off season, it's a fun place to be. I can't remember the last time I was there.
I remember when I lived in New York City for a few months I would be out doing whatever and it would hit me that I was actually living there. I would feel so excited about just being in that amazing city. I felt lucky to have a chance to live there for a short time. I guess I'm saying that I am trying to feel that way about home. I think that is the way I should feel about where I live. I'm trying to experience all those things that I never got around to that make people want to come here. I think every place has its charms, but when you live somewhere for a while that charm starts fading. I'm trying to bring back the charm to Southern California.
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
I got the power
A very wise woman once told me that pussy is power. While that word is really not a favorite of mine, I thought it appropriate to stay true to the original statement. I really didn't understand what she was saying at first. She explained that women have a lot of power because of their sexuality. I really don't think it's a secret that pretty girls can get basically anything they want. What a lot of people don't see is how much power all women have.
When this wise women told me about this I wasn't sure how true it was. I just hadn't seen the evidence that as a woman I was really in control of how the dating scene worked for me. Guys had told me that it is easier to be a girl, but it can be hard when you feel like you're the girl getting looked over. I found though, that any decent looking girl can get as much male attention as she wants. It is kind of fascinating. If we women put it out there, odds are that some guy will take the offer. Knowing that, our standards can be higher. I think a lot of guys have pretty low standards for their hook ups because they feel like they need to take what they can get. We ladies on the other hand, get to be discriminating.
This whole situation is really interesting for me because I think I always saw men as the ones in control of traditional relationships. I have two thoughts on that. One- most relationships aren't exactly traditional anymore. Two- just because the man is supposed to do the asking and paying doesn't give him control. The power is in the ability to refuse or consent. So, traditional or not, women have serious power.
I'm inclined to believe that this power has really manifested itself more as society has changed to allow it. I think the power has always been there, but as women are now more socially and sexually free the power is more obvious. Power is a tricky thing though. Some women misuse it, while others fail to recognize it. To me, figuring out a place in this power structure is one of the hardest parts of being a woman, particularly a young one.
When this wise women told me about this I wasn't sure how true it was. I just hadn't seen the evidence that as a woman I was really in control of how the dating scene worked for me. Guys had told me that it is easier to be a girl, but it can be hard when you feel like you're the girl getting looked over. I found though, that any decent looking girl can get as much male attention as she wants. It is kind of fascinating. If we women put it out there, odds are that some guy will take the offer. Knowing that, our standards can be higher. I think a lot of guys have pretty low standards for their hook ups because they feel like they need to take what they can get. We ladies on the other hand, get to be discriminating.
This whole situation is really interesting for me because I think I always saw men as the ones in control of traditional relationships. I have two thoughts on that. One- most relationships aren't exactly traditional anymore. Two- just because the man is supposed to do the asking and paying doesn't give him control. The power is in the ability to refuse or consent. So, traditional or not, women have serious power.
I'm inclined to believe that this power has really manifested itself more as society has changed to allow it. I think the power has always been there, but as women are now more socially and sexually free the power is more obvious. Power is a tricky thing though. Some women misuse it, while others fail to recognize it. To me, figuring out a place in this power structure is one of the hardest parts of being a woman, particularly a young one.
Monday, February 22, 2010
one is hard enough
My friend told me an interesting story last night. He was going through a time in his life where he was really afraid of letting people know who he really was and what he was really doing. He was afraid of all of the things that we get afraid of. It can be really scary to put your true self out there. If other people reject your fake image, it doesn't matter. If you really put yourself out there and people don't accept you, it hurts. He was really struggling to navigate all of this. He knew he was gay, but felt more comfortable keeping it a secret from his friends and family. One night, a guy asked my friend if anyone knew he was gay. My friend told him no. The guys response was really powerful. He said, "It's hard enough living one life. Why would you want to live two?" My friend described those words as feeling like a slap in the face. He realized that he was trying to live two lives and that it was a lot harder than just being honest.
I was actually kind of surprised by this story because my friend just seems so secure. He is so close with his family, and they all seem so supportive. I guess I just didn't think about the fact that it takes time to get there. It takes time to come to a point where we're comfortable enough with ourselves that we feel like we can let other people see us. It takes time for other people to acclimate when they feel shaken by the things we show them. When people really love you, they come around.
My friend's story really got me thinking about myself and where I am. How many lives am I trying to live? How much of myself do I feel comfortable showing to other people? I don't want to keep up appearances anymore. That doesn't mean that everyone has to know all of my indiscretions, only that I'm not hiding what I do or who I am. It has become really easy for me to tell things to some people in my life and keep my mouth shut with others. I'm thinking that maybe its time to break down the barriers between my worlds. It doesn't have to happen with a wrecking ball, all at once. A sledge hammer suits me fine. I can work at it over time. I've still got 10 months in the year of honesty.
I was actually kind of surprised by this story because my friend just seems so secure. He is so close with his family, and they all seem so supportive. I guess I just didn't think about the fact that it takes time to get there. It takes time to come to a point where we're comfortable enough with ourselves that we feel like we can let other people see us. It takes time for other people to acclimate when they feel shaken by the things we show them. When people really love you, they come around.
My friend's story really got me thinking about myself and where I am. How many lives am I trying to live? How much of myself do I feel comfortable showing to other people? I don't want to keep up appearances anymore. That doesn't mean that everyone has to know all of my indiscretions, only that I'm not hiding what I do or who I am. It has become really easy for me to tell things to some people in my life and keep my mouth shut with others. I'm thinking that maybe its time to break down the barriers between my worlds. It doesn't have to happen with a wrecking ball, all at once. A sledge hammer suits me fine. I can work at it over time. I've still got 10 months in the year of honesty.
Sunday, February 21, 2010
welcome to the party life
I've often wondered what I missed by never getting into the party life. My friends always have such fun stories. I'm not going to lie, it makes me kind of jealous. I really don't think kids in high school need to get into that, so I don't feel like I missed anything there. College, on the other hand, is another story entirely.
I feel like I missed something in my college experience. I mean, I got a great education. I met some wonderful people. But what about that college experience I always heard about? Going away to school and living with friends was great, but what about the other stuff? What about the parties and the ridiculous antics? Where was all of that? I guess I can't really complain. I made the choice to go to the school I did. Though in my defense I didn't REALLY know what it would be like when I decided to go there.
The point is, I find myself now wondering if there are some experiences that I really shouldn't miss out on. The problem is knowing what is worthwhile and what isn't. After some recent experiences and conversations, I'm coming to realize that some experiences aren't really necessary. No experience is worthless, but I think most of us would be better off passing on certain ones. I mean, what girl who has ever made a plan B run is totally glad she had that experience? That is just one example, but to me it is kind of representative. We all deserve to have fun and do stupid things while we're young. It just seems like some of those things grouped in with fun aren't really so great when you think about how you might feel after.
I was talking to my best friend about something that went on at a recent event that I wasn't so excited about. His response- welcome to the party life. I guess you have to take the good with the bad. But is it worth it? I'm sure it is sometimes, but don't be expecting me to show up on girls gone wild.
I feel like I missed something in my college experience. I mean, I got a great education. I met some wonderful people. But what about that college experience I always heard about? Going away to school and living with friends was great, but what about the other stuff? What about the parties and the ridiculous antics? Where was all of that? I guess I can't really complain. I made the choice to go to the school I did. Though in my defense I didn't REALLY know what it would be like when I decided to go there.
The point is, I find myself now wondering if there are some experiences that I really shouldn't miss out on. The problem is knowing what is worthwhile and what isn't. After some recent experiences and conversations, I'm coming to realize that some experiences aren't really necessary. No experience is worthless, but I think most of us would be better off passing on certain ones. I mean, what girl who has ever made a plan B run is totally glad she had that experience? That is just one example, but to me it is kind of representative. We all deserve to have fun and do stupid things while we're young. It just seems like some of those things grouped in with fun aren't really so great when you think about how you might feel after.
I was talking to my best friend about something that went on at a recent event that I wasn't so excited about. His response- welcome to the party life. I guess you have to take the good with the bad. But is it worth it? I'm sure it is sometimes, but don't be expecting me to show up on girls gone wild.
Friday, February 19, 2010
politely insincere
Why is it that I feel compelled to tell people I'm happy for them when their news actually makes me want to smother myself with a pillow? That, dear friends, is the question of the day. Here it is, my year of honesty, and I can't get a handle on this one. I was feeling proud of myself for taking this honesty thing to heart, but I will concede that there are circumstances when saying your true feelings isn't exactly prudent. A call for honesty is certainly not a call for rudeness. There is, however, a difference between being rude and just not saying the polite thing. I'm not sure it's polite to be insincere. I'm really struggling with this one.
The thing is, friends are always sharing some news that they're really excited about. I just find myself in want of the same enthusiasm. I mean, what is the appropriate response when your friend tells you she is going to marry someone she met a month ago? How do you react when you find out your young friend is pregnant again already? What do you say when a friend you have a secret crush on gets engaged? The list goes on. All of these are real situations from my life. All of these people I congratulated because they were happy. But inside I was freaking out. I wanted to scream, "you're doing what?!" The funny thing is, I really admire that quickie marriage. Those kids are happy. The pregnant friend LOVES being a mom and she is great at it. I should have given her more credit. My secret crush didn't mean anything. How silly of me to let it stop me from being happy for a good friend.
So I wonder, was I right to congratulate these friends? Should I have said I was stoked for them when I was actually skeptical? In these cases they convinced me in the long run, but not everyone does. I'm skeptical of my friends' life choices as I'm sure they are of mine. I just think it usually isn't my place to say so. So, should I say nothing? Or should I really keep telling people I'm stoked about their plans that have me worried about the rest of their lives? Then again, who am I to tell people their plans are no good? Just because a certain way of life doesn't work for me doesn't mean that it doesn't work at all. I guess the answer is that I continue to be happy when those I love are happy. That part has always been sincere. If someone wants to know how I really feel, they'll ask. Until or unless that happens, I'm stoked for you friends. I suppose that I'm glad you find happiness in things that bring me anxiety. It brings balance to the world.
The thing is, friends are always sharing some news that they're really excited about. I just find myself in want of the same enthusiasm. I mean, what is the appropriate response when your friend tells you she is going to marry someone she met a month ago? How do you react when you find out your young friend is pregnant again already? What do you say when a friend you have a secret crush on gets engaged? The list goes on. All of these are real situations from my life. All of these people I congratulated because they were happy. But inside I was freaking out. I wanted to scream, "you're doing what?!" The funny thing is, I really admire that quickie marriage. Those kids are happy. The pregnant friend LOVES being a mom and she is great at it. I should have given her more credit. My secret crush didn't mean anything. How silly of me to let it stop me from being happy for a good friend.
So I wonder, was I right to congratulate these friends? Should I have said I was stoked for them when I was actually skeptical? In these cases they convinced me in the long run, but not everyone does. I'm skeptical of my friends' life choices as I'm sure they are of mine. I just think it usually isn't my place to say so. So, should I say nothing? Or should I really keep telling people I'm stoked about their plans that have me worried about the rest of their lives? Then again, who am I to tell people their plans are no good? Just because a certain way of life doesn't work for me doesn't mean that it doesn't work at all. I guess the answer is that I continue to be happy when those I love are happy. That part has always been sincere. If someone wants to know how I really feel, they'll ask. Until or unless that happens, I'm stoked for you friends. I suppose that I'm glad you find happiness in things that bring me anxiety. It brings balance to the world.
Thursday, February 18, 2010
shades of gray
I've been thinking a lot about the difference between right and wrong. It seems like they're always getting framed as totally black and white, or at least I was raised that way. In reality though, things aren't so distinct.
I find myself wondering who decides what is right and wrong. I mean, it seems like certain things are framed as morally wrong that are really just logically not good things to do. For example, I don't think it is morally wrong to do illegal drugs. I think it can be risky, both legally and physically, to do drugs. Because of the risks, the logical choice for me is to avoid them. But I know a lot of people who feel differently about that, on either side. I know many that believe doing drugs to be morally wrong and many that that believe doing drugs to be a perfectly sound idea. So where is the black and white in this situation? It seems a lot more like gray to me. I've been noticing more and more gray in my life lately as I've found that a lot of what I always thought about as moral issues are better decided as logical ones.
I'm not saying that life isn't full of moral dilemmas. It is. The tension between right and wrong is all over the place. I'm finding though, that few things are either always wrong or always right. For example, helping people is nearly always right. It can be wrong though when it turns to enabling. Then it becomes destructive, and it isn't right anymore. Are enablers doing it on purpose? Probably not. Do they think of what they do as morally wrong? I doubt it. But I do.
There is just so much conflict over this idea of wrong vs. right that none of it looks black and white to me anymore. All I see is a blur of gray. I have a personal sense of what is wrong and right that suits me just fine. I can see though, that other people have different ideas about it. To me, gray is ok. In fact, I think it is far more harmonious than the stark contrast of black and white. If people could learn to accept gray rather than trying to make things either black or white the world would be a much happier place.
I find myself wondering who decides what is right and wrong. I mean, it seems like certain things are framed as morally wrong that are really just logically not good things to do. For example, I don't think it is morally wrong to do illegal drugs. I think it can be risky, both legally and physically, to do drugs. Because of the risks, the logical choice for me is to avoid them. But I know a lot of people who feel differently about that, on either side. I know many that believe doing drugs to be morally wrong and many that that believe doing drugs to be a perfectly sound idea. So where is the black and white in this situation? It seems a lot more like gray to me. I've been noticing more and more gray in my life lately as I've found that a lot of what I always thought about as moral issues are better decided as logical ones.
I'm not saying that life isn't full of moral dilemmas. It is. The tension between right and wrong is all over the place. I'm finding though, that few things are either always wrong or always right. For example, helping people is nearly always right. It can be wrong though when it turns to enabling. Then it becomes destructive, and it isn't right anymore. Are enablers doing it on purpose? Probably not. Do they think of what they do as morally wrong? I doubt it. But I do.
There is just so much conflict over this idea of wrong vs. right that none of it looks black and white to me anymore. All I see is a blur of gray. I have a personal sense of what is wrong and right that suits me just fine. I can see though, that other people have different ideas about it. To me, gray is ok. In fact, I think it is far more harmonious than the stark contrast of black and white. If people could learn to accept gray rather than trying to make things either black or white the world would be a much happier place.
Sunday, February 14, 2010
bitter, cynical, and single
Today is Valentine's Day. I honestly don't know if I've had one before to which I've paid less attention. It seems like people either get really excited for Valentine's Day, or they actively hate it. I feel neither of these things. I just... don't get into it.
I feel like complaining about Valentine's Day screams to the world, "I'm bitter, cynical, and single." While I may be single, I'm certainly not bitter about it. I'm in a good place right now. I just think that there is no meaning in Valentine's Day. Is it supposed to be a celebration of love? If that is the case we all do a terrible job of observing the holiday.
Romantic love is special and rare and exciting, but it certainly isn't the only kind of love in our lives. What about the love that we see and feel everyday, whether or not we have a significant other? I think that kind of love is at least equally important, if not more so. This is the love that gets us through the day. Where would any of us be without the love of friends and family? I think that the love in friendship is seriously under appreciated. When I think of my life, that friendly love has been at the heart of most of my happiest memories.
All of that being said, why is it that the single among us have to feel like we're getting the shaft every year when Valentine's Day rolls around? I think Valentine's Day has the potential to be a really great thing. It has the potential to be a beautiful celebration of love in all forms. Instead it is a celebration of flowers and candy. I say its time we take a stand. Let's take back the day. Let's really celebrate the love in our lives. I want Valentine's Day to be a day that brings people together rather than making people feel more alone than they really are. I want it to be a day that reminds people of the real role of love in their lives.
I feel like complaining about Valentine's Day screams to the world, "I'm bitter, cynical, and single." While I may be single, I'm certainly not bitter about it. I'm in a good place right now. I just think that there is no meaning in Valentine's Day. Is it supposed to be a celebration of love? If that is the case we all do a terrible job of observing the holiday.
Romantic love is special and rare and exciting, but it certainly isn't the only kind of love in our lives. What about the love that we see and feel everyday, whether or not we have a significant other? I think that kind of love is at least equally important, if not more so. This is the love that gets us through the day. Where would any of us be without the love of friends and family? I think that the love in friendship is seriously under appreciated. When I think of my life, that friendly love has been at the heart of most of my happiest memories.
All of that being said, why is it that the single among us have to feel like we're getting the shaft every year when Valentine's Day rolls around? I think Valentine's Day has the potential to be a really great thing. It has the potential to be a beautiful celebration of love in all forms. Instead it is a celebration of flowers and candy. I say its time we take a stand. Let's take back the day. Let's really celebrate the love in our lives. I want Valentine's Day to be a day that brings people together rather than making people feel more alone than they really are. I want it to be a day that reminds people of the real role of love in their lives.
Saturday, February 13, 2010
action is character
I really hope that whoever is reading this has seen An Education. I really loved it. I was thinking about the movie when I started writing this. There is a line in the movie that I will unfortunately not quote perfectly, but I'm going to try. It is something like, "My teacher is always saying, 'action is character.' I think that means that if we never did anything then we'd never be anyone." This conversation in the movie really got me thinking. I totally agree. If we never step outside ourselves and do something real and different, then we can never become the people we were meant to be.
I feel like I’m just starting on this journey of becoming who I really should be. The scary thing is that I have no clue who I am supposed to become. I spent most of my life under one assumption, and now I feel I’ve come to see that as all wrong. I don’t know if there ever really is a totally right. I think that’s the point though. There isn't necessarily one perfect life path for anyone, just the one that makes us learn and grow the most.
I spent my whole life going through the motions and wondering why I never felt fulfilled. Now I’m at this crazy crossroads wondering where I’ll end up. I wonder if I'm really on track now, or if at some later point in life I'll be asking myself what I was thinking.
I think, though, that I’m doing a much better job now of listening to my heart and trying to do what it tells me. I’m not sure I ever did much of that in my life before. I always felt that something wasn’t right. I just always thought it was me. I can finally see that I’m not the part that’s wrong in my life. That doesn’t even make sense! How can I possibly be the malfunction in my own life? Sometimes I’m amazed at how little I’ve allowed myself to think of me all this time. I really can’t believe that I actually thought that my whole life sucked because I just sucked at living it.
I’m finally starting to see that the things I wanted to be and to do didn’t make sense. I realize now that you can’t frame your life around abstract ideas and perfect images. That will only ever lead to heartache and disappointment. What I’m starting to feel is that life is supposed to be about something more definite. Its not about being perfect, rather, its about being the best form of myself. Life is for living and feeling and experiencing. In everything I do I can get closer to the person I’m supposed to be. I never again want to feel like I’m stuck trying to move toward some ideal that has nothing to do with who I really am. That is what I felt like for a long time. I felt like there was this person I was supposed to be, but that I wasn’t even sure I liked that person. I just thought that I didn’t like her yet because I wasn’t there yet, or something. I don't even think that sentence makes sense, let alone the idea.
I just want to find the real person I’m supposed to be, the one that bears all the signs of actually having lived my life.
I feel like I’m just starting on this journey of becoming who I really should be. The scary thing is that I have no clue who I am supposed to become. I spent most of my life under one assumption, and now I feel I’ve come to see that as all wrong. I don’t know if there ever really is a totally right. I think that’s the point though. There isn't necessarily one perfect life path for anyone, just the one that makes us learn and grow the most.
I spent my whole life going through the motions and wondering why I never felt fulfilled. Now I’m at this crazy crossroads wondering where I’ll end up. I wonder if I'm really on track now, or if at some later point in life I'll be asking myself what I was thinking.
I think, though, that I’m doing a much better job now of listening to my heart and trying to do what it tells me. I’m not sure I ever did much of that in my life before. I always felt that something wasn’t right. I just always thought it was me. I can finally see that I’m not the part that’s wrong in my life. That doesn’t even make sense! How can I possibly be the malfunction in my own life? Sometimes I’m amazed at how little I’ve allowed myself to think of me all this time. I really can’t believe that I actually thought that my whole life sucked because I just sucked at living it.
I’m finally starting to see that the things I wanted to be and to do didn’t make sense. I realize now that you can’t frame your life around abstract ideas and perfect images. That will only ever lead to heartache and disappointment. What I’m starting to feel is that life is supposed to be about something more definite. Its not about being perfect, rather, its about being the best form of myself. Life is for living and feeling and experiencing. In everything I do I can get closer to the person I’m supposed to be. I never again want to feel like I’m stuck trying to move toward some ideal that has nothing to do with who I really am. That is what I felt like for a long time. I felt like there was this person I was supposed to be, but that I wasn’t even sure I liked that person. I just thought that I didn’t like her yet because I wasn’t there yet, or something. I don't even think that sentence makes sense, let alone the idea.
I just want to find the real person I’m supposed to be, the one that bears all the signs of actually having lived my life.
Thursday, February 11, 2010
don't break the rules
I really do think people should be able to express their opinions. I have a real problem with people who would try to stifle the expression of others. Honestly though, I sometimes have to remind myself that if I believe someone is entitled to say something outrageous then I must also believe someone else is entitled to take issue with whatever they had to say. It can be hard to remember that just because I take no issue with a friend's profanity, for example, doesn't mean everyone will be as happy with it. I sometimes find myself thinking, "why are they being so judgemental?" but I always stop myself because they are entitled to dislike it. The point is, even when it is hard to remember that EVERYONE is entitled to express their opinions, I do.
Others however, seem to have an incredibly difficult time with this concept. I support healthy debate. I think it is great when people can have a constructive conversation about something that they do not necessarily agree on. I really don't even mind when debates get heated. They are more heartfelt and interesting that way.
The thing I have a problem with is when people forget the rules of the game. What do I mean by that? That you attack arguments not individuals. When you take the discussion away from what the person said and make it about who the person is, you break the rules. There is just no room for that. I have no room for that kind of behavior in my world.
I've encountered far too much of this recently and it has got to stop. I have an incredibly hard time wrapping my mind around the fact that people actually think it is acceptable to say things like, "what you need to understand is that no one will like you if you do that," or "I know in your mind these things don't exist, but..." in a classroom of future teachers! Where did they learn that this was alright? Are these people all around douche bags? Or are they simply so bad at arguing for themselves that they feel a need to attack other people?
I just don't understand. I hope these people don't act this way in their personal lives, and I really hope they learn to curb it in their professional lives. It just isn't ok. And quite frankly, I'm done putting up with it.
Others however, seem to have an incredibly difficult time with this concept. I support healthy debate. I think it is great when people can have a constructive conversation about something that they do not necessarily agree on. I really don't even mind when debates get heated. They are more heartfelt and interesting that way.
The thing I have a problem with is when people forget the rules of the game. What do I mean by that? That you attack arguments not individuals. When you take the discussion away from what the person said and make it about who the person is, you break the rules. There is just no room for that. I have no room for that kind of behavior in my world.
I've encountered far too much of this recently and it has got to stop. I have an incredibly hard time wrapping my mind around the fact that people actually think it is acceptable to say things like, "what you need to understand is that no one will like you if you do that," or "I know in your mind these things don't exist, but..." in a classroom of future teachers! Where did they learn that this was alright? Are these people all around douche bags? Or are they simply so bad at arguing for themselves that they feel a need to attack other people?
I just don't understand. I hope these people don't act this way in their personal lives, and I really hope they learn to curb it in their professional lives. It just isn't ok. And quite frankly, I'm done putting up with it.
2010: the year of honesty
So last night I had one of those really honest conversations with my best friend. I guess he has been having a lot of these encounters lately and has decided that 2010 is the year of total honesty. It is the year for saying exactly what is on your mind.
I have to say, I couldn't be more on board with this idea. It is totally time for this in my life, in everyone's life. I am so tired of censoring myself for no good reason. Why shouldn't people know how I actually feel? Think about that. What reason do any of us really have for not telling the whole truth? If there is no better reason than personal discomfort or embarrassment, I say give it up.
I advocate true expression. I believe in saying what I really want to say. I know how hard it can be to do this, but it's 2010. The time has come to make the image we portray to other people match the person we really believe ourselves to be.
I have to say, I couldn't be more on board with this idea. It is totally time for this in my life, in everyone's life. I am so tired of censoring myself for no good reason. Why shouldn't people know how I actually feel? Think about that. What reason do any of us really have for not telling the whole truth? If there is no better reason than personal discomfort or embarrassment, I say give it up.
I advocate true expression. I believe in saying what I really want to say. I know how hard it can be to do this, but it's 2010. The time has come to make the image we portray to other people match the person we really believe ourselves to be.
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